The Wrong Signals

“Don’t be insecure if your heart is pure,

You’re still good to me if you’re a bad kid, baby.”  - Lady Gaga

Ok, I realize not all of you are Gaga fans, but hear me out.  The above quote is from “Bad Kids,” one of the songs on her new release, Born This Way.  It’s a song worth listening to, but even if it’s not your style, the song does contain a message from which all parents can learn.



Let’s start by asking ourselves this question:   what makes a kid a “bad” kid? Is it bad behavior?  A bad attitude?  Bad habits?  Disrespect?  Anger?  Apathy? …. Possibly.  Any or all of those things could factor into personality development of so-called “bad kids.”  But let me suggest to you that there’s one HUGE factor we haven’t yet considered in the making of difficult children:

Difficult parents.

As the song says, “I’m a bad kid, like my mom and dad made me.”

We often get so caught up in the moment of disciplining our kids that we forget to consider our own role in the situation.  Of course, there are things kids are just going to do regardless of their parents’ actions, like toddlers testing limits and teenagers rebelling and talking back.  That’s normal. Sometimes your child is in the wrong and you have to correct her. But sometimes, kids’ behavior is a response to the parents’ behavior or attitude, or a cry for attention.

For example, think about the stereotypical, overeager sports parent.  Many of us have seen them, the hard-core parent in the stands who’s supposed to be cheering his kids on but loudly berates them when, God forbid, they make a mistake, or don’t perform up to the parent’s standard. This can provoke a number of responses in the child:  anger, frustration, embarrassment, a sense of failure. We want our kids to excel, but do we want them to feel badly about themselves?  Of course not.

“I’m not that cool and you hate me, I’m a bad kid, that’s the way that they made me…”

But that’s what happens when you unduly criticize a child.  It’s not usually an incentive to do better; sometimes, it can cause her to feel that she shouldn’t even try because she’ll never get it right.  Or, it could make her respond in anger, provoking the parent to get angry without thinking about why the child is angry. I saw this all the time when I played little league, and I felt really bad for those kids.  Weren’t we there primarily to have fun?

Parenting problems also extend beyond the more obvious examples, to little things we probably don’t even realize we do.  Asking your child to wait while you finish something important may be fine, or even necessary.  But, if you regularly put him off for other things, whether it’s work or online activity or phone calls with friends, he may start to feel like he’s not your priority.  Even if you’ve only unintentionally been a bit dismissive, you will probably start to see negative behaviors as he demands your attention any way he can get it, including by acting out.

“I’m a bad kid and this is my life, one of the bad kids, don’t know wrong from right…”

So, we have to make sure our kids know that they have our attention so they will be less likely to do naughty things to get it. Also, we should try to make sure we aren’t sending the wrong signals to our kids when we discipline them. You can make her understand that, while you may be disappointed in her behavior in a given situation, you’re not disappointed in her as a person. Always follow up behavior correction with an affirmation that you love her.

Anna and I

Occasionally, Anna has what I call her bedtime “confessions.”  I’ll be lying next to her, waiting for her to fall asleep, and she’ll snuggle closer to me and whisper, “Mom, I did something today.  I hit [name of kid] at school.”  The first time this happened, I was taken aback by the randomness of it, and wondered if perhaps this was merely a sleep-delaying tactic.  Then she followed it up with, “I pushed him too.”

“Was that a good choice or a bad choice?” I said.

“Bad choice,” she replied.

I asked why she did it. This question always produces an interesting range of answers.  Sometimes it’s “on purpose,” which she still doesn’t understand is not a reason (but it makes me chuckle), sometimes it’s “he pushed me” or the very honest, “I don’t know.”  In any event, I try to find out what really happened and what the teachers did about it.

At the end of our talk, I say, “Well, that wasn’t a good thing to do and I hope you don’t do it again. But I’m proud of you for telling me. I love you.” Then she contentedly closes her eyes.

Contented Sleep

This has happened a number of times. I hope it’s because she wants to be good and she trusts me enough to confide in me.  Of course, I know that, as she gets older, the confessions might be harder to respond to in a positive way, if they even occur at all. I hope they do, so I’m trying to build a good foundation now.

I suppose this is my reminder to myself and to you wonderful readers to think about how you react to problems when they occur, and even how you interact with your child, and consider your responses. Admittedly, this is hard, especially when we’re angry or frustrated.  But, we don’t want to make our kids think they’re “bad kids” just because they make mistakes or do things they shouldn’t.

 As our children grow, they will be a reflection of the love they get from us, the lessons we teach them, and the messages, explicit, or implicit, that we give them.  So let’s send the right signals.

[Editor's Note: If you would like to listen to "Bad Kids", by Lady Gaga, here is the song on YouTube, audio only, below:]