The Black Hole

I am underwater.  Or maybe in a tunnel.  I know there is light above, somewhere, and I want to reach for it, to embrace it, but something holds me back.  I'm groggy.  I feel heavy.  Pulling myself up seems like a Herculean task.

I hear well-meaning voices at the surface.  They call to me with the pull of everyday life - there is grocery shopping to be done.  Laundry to be washed.  Motions to write.  Clients to call.  A child to bathe.  A family to spend time with.  And yet.....they are so far away.  I can't quite reach.

And yet, I cannot fail to do these things. Can I?

And yet.

Untethered

Ironically, my last post was about Anna’s taking many pictures of me due to her fear that I would die and that she wouldn’t be able to cope with it.  As I wrote that post, I could not have even imagined that, just over a month later, I would be the one losing a parent.

Two weeks after that post appeared, I got the terrible news that my father, seemingly out of the blue, had been diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer, Stage IV, which had metastasized to his liver and lungs.  I felt a palpable shift in my universe. I just couldn’t believe it.  He was only 65.  He was fit and healthy and wasn't a smoker and enjoyed exercising and had lots of energy. How could this be??

Things got worse over the next few days as we learned how extensive the illness was and as I researched the nightmare that is pancreatic cancer.  Of course, all cancer is terrible, but at least there are treatment options with many types of cancer.  Sometimes, treatment works and puts people into remission.  Sometimes it just buys time.  But either way, there is often something that people can hold onto that provides even just a little hope.

With pancreatic cancer…not so much.  It’s usually a silent killer – typically, by the time you know you have it, you’ve run out of time for any effective treatment. 

Sadly, that was the case with my dad.

Dad and me, June 8, 2014

He died on June 24, 2014.  Less than a month after his diagnosis.

My world came to a grinding halt.

Unexpected Child Moment #564

Just remember I love you, and it will be all right,

Just remember I love you more than I can say.

--"Just Remember I Love You," Firefall

It was bedtime, on a night like any other night. Which means that, as usual, there was major stalling going on.  This evening's particular stalling involved Anna taking numerous pictures of me with my cell phone.  Then we took funny pictures together.  And then it was really bedtime.

As we lay snuggling, she turns to me and says, "Do you know why I took all those pictures of you?"

"No, why?" I say, waiting for something hilarious.

"Because I want lots of pictures of you for when you're gone."

What?

I thought we were just having fun....

It's In The Way That You Use It

No, this isn't just one of my favorite Eric Clapton songs. It's something I'm trying to work on in my own life when I try to turn lemons into lemonade. It's advice I would give to a friend, it's something I need to remember for myself, and it's something I need to model for my daughter.

Life throws us a lot of curve balls, and that's putting it mildly. Some of us have more than our fair share of challenges and sorrow. But, no matter what kind of issues we may have - some decidedly beyond our control - the one thing that is NOT beyond our control is the way that we react to them, manage them, accept them, cope with them and maybe, just maybe, better our lives, not in spite of them, but because of them.

It really is in the way that you use it.

Beautiful rainbow (taken 7/1/12)

Deep Thoughts

No, not "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey. ;)  I'm talking about the most fascinating of all deep thoughts:  toddler deep thoughts. Some of them are completely random. They may make no sense. They may make eerily perfect sense. They may come from a place so deep and profound inside your child that perhaps you didn't know it existed.

Wherever they come from, they sure are intriguing.

I think my deepest thoughts while I have some "uckles"

And The Beat Goes On

Stress.  We all deal with it in one way, shape or form. Sometimes it's little annoyances, like slow drivers when we're already late for work, and sometimes it's big ones, like wondering how you'll pay a bill that month.

But if there's one thing being a parent teaches you, it's that no matter how much stress or sadness you're dealing with, life goes on. It must, no matter what.

And sometimes, that really sucks.

The Wisdom and Legacy of Steve Jobs

Everyone, myself included, seems to be mourning the loss of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, a man who led a technological revolution for which we're all grateful.  My daily routine would be a lot different without my iPhone, iPod, iPad and Macbook Pro. I'm sure the same is true of many of you.

But what's really remarkable is that so many people are realizing what an amazing person Steve Jobs was, with an amazing and inspiring attitude as he fought cancer and faced death.  Fortunately for us, he shared some really wonderful stuff - besides all those awesome gadgets - with the world, and I wanted to share some of that wisdom with you.

Photo from lisenstromberg.wordpress.com

I Want My Fish Back!

We stared at the mess on Anna’s floor, mouths agape. Anna had slept in our bed the night before (something we’re STILL working on, but I’ll save that for another day) and we just woke up. Sleepy-headed, we left our room, directly across from Anna’s, but quickly stopped in our tracks, facing her doorway.

Gravel. Water. Fish Bowl. The mess was all over Anna’s bedroom floor.  My tired eyes tried to process the carnage before me.