The Gender Divide

“I’m a boy,” she announces one day as we’re hanging out in the living room. “You’re a girl,” I reply. Then she says, “No, I’m a boy who climbs trees.” I had to chuckle.

At the playground, May 2011

Anna is definitely all girl when it comes to her affinity for princesses, dresses, baby dolls and that sort of thing – she is FAR girlier than I ever was.  I was a complete tomboy, much to my mom’s chagrin. Anna, too, is rough and tough and athletic. She likes cars and Buzz Lightyear.  She can almost do a pull-up because she has amazing upper body strength already.

The sad thing is, she isn’t even 3, and she’s already aware, on some level, that those qualities and interests are commonly associated with boys rather than girls.

March, 2011

I don’t think this is actual gender confusion at all; instead, it’s far more likely these sort of comments are a reflection of social messages, explicit or implicit, that your activities or toys must be allocated to one gender or the other.

Aren’t we so much more complex than that??

But we see it everywhere, in advertising, in Wal-Mart with its obvious pink and blue toy aisles, even in cartoons.  How many ads have you seen with boys playing in kitchens or holding dolls and girls racing cars and trucks around a really cool track?  I can’t think of any right off the top of my head. Hopefully they’re out there somewhere.

Sure, there are stereotypical boy and girl toys and interests.  There’s really no way around that, and that’s ok.  The problem is that not everyone fits into neat little boxes, and when kids don’t, it can cause all sorts of social problems.

Why does it have to be this way?

Some of the “fear” around this topic, of course, has to do with sexuality.  Parents whose little boys like putting on makeup or whose little girls like dump trucks and sports sometimes fear that their kids will grow up to be gay.  To them I would say: these behaviors at an early age are usually about personality development, not sexuality. It's a mistake to put a spin on normal kids' behavior that is based not on reality, but on our own adult fears.

Sure, there are kids who turn out to be gay and can look back on early indicators of that from childhood. I’m one of them.  But while my tomboyish ways bothered my parents sometimes, I have to give them credit for allowing me to play little league baseball and to play with G.I. Joes and Transformers and cars anyway. I really believe those activities had less to do with the fact that I turned out gay than just what I thought was fun at that age. I have a little brother and we loved to play with those kinds of toys and to play wiffle ball together. And I’m definitely not confused about the fact that I’m a woman.

But I think I am the exception, not the rule, in terms of outcome.  Most kids experience a variety of childhood interests and play and yet don’t turn out to be gay, even if their toys weren’t exactly in line with what society deems gender-appropriate. I have a feeling Anna will be one of them.

For example, one of my nephews loved to have his nails painted and to put on lip gloss when he was about 3.  Now that he’s almost 7, he adores Spider-Man, Batman and fire trucks.  He pretends to shoot things, even though I’m really not crazy about pretend violent play. We play a game called “Agent X,” in which he tries to wrestle with me and sometimes literally takes me down, even though I have 80 or 90 pounds on him.

In short – he’s all boy, with perfectly “normal” gender expression.

But what if he hadn’t gotten so rough and tough?  Would we love him any less?  Would we have supported him any less?  Absolutely not.  Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and “non-conformist” kids are often ridiculed, bullied, or worse.  Again, why does it have to be this way?

I recently read an article online about a boy who wore a girl cartoon character Halloween costume to a school party. His parents allowed it despite possible concerns that the other kids would give him trouble. The really sad thing was that the kids didn’t – the parents freaked out, criticizing his parents and making a big deal out of nothing. How do you think that made that little boy feel? What message did those adults give to the kids in that class?

….And besides, people, it’s HALLOWEEN, the holiday about dressing up as something you aren’t. Last year, my kid dressed like Kermit and I wasn’t all freaked out that she’d turn into a frog. Get real.  But I digress.

What I learned from this is that kids actually don’t care. At least, not until their parents’ and other adults’ attitudes (coupled with media messages, I’m sure) make them notice differences and start to care about them.

When I watch the kids at Anna’s day care playing on the playground as I arrive to pick her up, all the girls and boys are playing together.  The kids don’t seem to notice skin color (Anna doesn’t notice her own skin color either). They know that Anna has moms and they could care less. I’m like every other parent to them. They ask me to push them on the swings.

How long will it last?

Anna is also like every other kid. I think the fact that she has both stereotypical boy and girl interests makes her unique, not confused.  She is special. All kids are special.

May, 2010

Hopefully our generation and the ones that follow us will develop a more nuanced attitude about gender roles.  After all, if we just let our kids be who they are, chances are everything will turn out fine in the end.  Most of the time, toy preferences have nothing to do with who your child will one day marry.  Even if they did – so what?

Trust me – the greatest gift you can give your child is unconditional love and acceptance. Not only will she feel better about herself, but she can also teach others by example that it doesn’t matter what toys you like.  What matters is being a good friend and a compassionate person – a person who accepts others as they are.  Raising kids with these values is bound to make the world a better place.