Parents, Take a Deep Breath

Last Friday night was a night I had looked forward to for some time, but when it arrived, it just felt surreal. I sat in the arena watching high school seniors march in, take their seats, and prepare to put their hands on that piece of paper they had worked so hard to get. Wow. My stepdaughter was finally graduating from high school.



She has always been talented, smart and engaging.  I never had any doubt she would achieve this milestone, and she did – with honors. Still, it was amazing to see her in that cap and gown, having met her when she was just 12. It’s not like she was a little kid then, but what a difference these 6 years have made – and now this confident, beautiful young woman stands before us, ready to take on the world.

I wasn’t lucky enough to know Kelsey when she was a baby, or a toddler, or even in elementary school. I wish I had. But I’m thankful to have come along when I did because I was privileged to witness her transformation from cute little middle schooler to college-bound adult. One day we were at the beach and she was purposely bumping me with bumper cars because I was new and I loved her mom and that was a little hard for her. The next, it seems, she was giving me my first-ever Mother’s Day card, then learning to drive my Honda, and then wearing a gorgeous dress to go to her prom with her very tall boyfriend.

How did the time pass so quickly?

End of Middle School - Kelsey with Purple Hair

I know just about every parent feels this way – you’re eager for your child to grow and learn and develop. You can’t wait to see who she will become.  But you’re also not ready to let go of her hand and send her out into an uncertain future. Even though she’s now an adult, you have trouble comprehending that because, for better or for worse, she’s always your baby.

End of High School, Kelsey with boyfriend Russell

With Anna, I got to start at the beginning of the journey rather than coming in at the middle.  As I watched Kelsey graduate, her Grammie said “It goes by so fast!” My heart started to beat a little harder.  Suddenly a whirlwind of images flashed through my mind – Anna doing homework. Anna in her prom dress.  Anna bringing home her first love (will anyone ever be good enough??). Anna in her cap and gown.  What will she look like?  Who will she be?

Certainly Heidi had these same thoughts about Kelsey when she was little. We all have that curiosity.  And we all have high hopes and dreams for our kids. We just have to make sure not to substitute ours for theirs. We have to be their biggest fans, their unconditional cheering section.

Believe in them, and they will believe in themselves.

It might not have turned out this way. After all, when Kelsey was born, her mom was just 16 and her dad was 18.  We all know what the statistics say about teen parents and their kids.  But here’s the lesson, folks:  you don’t have to accept the statistics, the societal expectations.  You can change them. And one thing’s for sure – Kelsey has never been a statistic.

She’s smart.  She’s vivacious.  She’s a talented artist. At one point she wanted to be an architect. Now she wants to be a forensic psychologist.  She doesn’t drink. She’s an honor roll student.  Though few of her relatives have made it that far, like her teen mother, she’s going to college. Take that, statistics.

Her young parents worked hard to give Kelsey a better, brighter future.  They prayed she wouldn’t have the struggles that some of her relatives did with poverty, mental illness, addiction, and abuse.  They knew she deserved a better journey, but they didn’t try to map it out for her.

We can all learn from that example.

I suppose I’m writing this as a reminder to myself not to make that mistake with Anna. As badly as I want to spare her any pain and struggles at all, some are inevitable. As much as I want to make sure she escapes her childhood unscathed by some of the problems in her family’s history, I can’t really control that.  As fervently as I want her to excel academically and have a successful career, she’s the one who has to do that work.

What I can do is be there for her, teach her, support her, and love her unconditionally so that she learns to make good choices, and develops self-confidence so that she can succeed in whatever she chooses to do. It worked for Kelsey. It can work for Anna too.

Watching Kelsey walk across that stage to receive her diploma was a moment I’ll never forget.  But we have to step back and remember that our kids’ lives are made of many such moments. Instead of focusing on the unknowns, the “what ifs” in our child’s future, let’s stop, take a deep breath, and let the special moments wash over us. Enjoy every minute. Before we know it, we’ll be in that auditorium, watching them say goodbye to high school, wondering where the time has gone.

Me with Kelsey and Heidi at Kelsey's high school graduation

So, let’s try to make all of the moments between now and adulthood count. Let’s give them a life filled with many amazing experiences and let the future write itself.  And, of course, when they grow into remarkable people, whatever their destinies… let’s be thankful we were along for the ride.