You Can't Always Get What You Want

Yes, it’s a Rolling Stones song.  But, more importantly, it’s also one of THE hardest lessons to teach a toddler!  In our instant gratification world, how do we make our kids understand that their desires won’t always be immediately fulfilled?

I suppose I must first divulge that I am a (recovering) shopaholic.  At one point it was severe enough that I probably could’ve used a program or support group of some kind….I’m only slightly kidding. I’m MUCH better now, especially because of this wonderful little person whose needs must always come first, no matter what.

However, I still enjoy shopping… and now, so does Anna.  I have Fridays off to spend with her, and those days are usually consumed, at least in part, by errands.  Anna loves the grocery store because she can ride in the car-shaped cart. She’s usually quite well-behaved..… except in those rare instances where she decides to play her version of “supermarket sweep” and grab whatever she wants off any shelf that she can manage to reach. Mostly, she loves being my “helper.” With treats on the line for good behavior, we have minimal problems.

Other shopping is a little tougher. When she was younger, it was easy to let her hold a toy or book to amuse her while in the store, and then make that toy or book mysteriously disappear before reaching the checkout. Now, not only is it virtually impossible to sneak anything away from her, it’s hard to keep her in the cart when we pass by huge quantities of, say, Dora the Explorer toys.  Boy, does she have quick, strong little grabbing hands!

On those rare occasions where Anna doesn’t accompany me to the store, she joyfully welcomes me home and then says, “What did you bring me?”  If I tell her I didn’t bring anything, the most bemused little expression comes over her face, as if she can’t believe there’s no treat or surprise for her.

Reality sinks in, closely followed by disappointment.

But this hasn’t stopped her from asking just about every time.  I have only myself to blame to some extent – I always think of her when I am out and about.  If I see a cute outfit or a book or stuffed animal she’d love, I usually buy it without even thinking.  My subconscious philosophy apparently has been, if I can make her day a little brighter, why not?

Lately, however, I have begun to change my ways.  Even if I can bring home a treat, I don’t always do it.  I’m trying to lessen the anticipation of regular presents and treats.  They can be a great incentive for behavior on public outings, but more importantly, I want her to appreciate them when they do come instead of expecting them.

The lawyer in me also wants to avoid bad precedent – the object of her desire may be a $6 t-shirt or a $10 stuffed animal now, but eventually it’ll be a $200 iPod, so I’d better watch out!

Anna is starting to understand that money makes the world go ‘round.  She often has a hard time saying goodbye to me in the mornings at day care, but she does understand that Heidi and I need to work to take care of us.  As I was preparing to depart her classroom one day, she slid a fake credit card through the toy cash register and informed me that someday, she too was going to go work for “Mister Steve” (my boss) so she could make lots of money to put on her card and buy things we need. I had to laugh.
   

I also wondered if I was that money-conscious at such a young age. I recall, at some fairly early point in childhood, having the ridiculous notion that when I turned 16, my parents would buy me a Corvette. I don’t know what was more far-fetched, the idea of automatic entitlement to a free vehicle, or the idea that the vehicle would be such an expensive one.  Still, I had a number of Matchbox Corvettes in my room and went back and forth about which one I’d drive someday.

So it’s no surprise I had a warped view about money. I thought that when you wanted something, you simply bought it.  I guess that means my first goal is to teach Anna that you can’t always get what you want –sometimes you never do – and that you have to work for what you DO get.  She’s starting to make that association with our jobs, which is good.  We can’t have her thinking nice things will magically appear if you wave your princess wand.
 

Just thinking about her joyfully waving her wand to do magic in her adorable Cinderella-like dress (“Close your eyes!  One, two, freeeee!”) reminds me that this will be an uphill battle. But it’s an essential one.

We’ve also started instilling the idea that she’s fortunate to have a lot more than many kids do, and that sharing with friends and giving away some of your older clothes and toys is a really good thing to do.

I know none of this will be easy, but it’s vital. I didn’t realize that my random gestures of affection conveyed through presents and treats would impart the idea that those are the rule rather than the special exception.  Kids pick up on everything!  I need to remind myself that saying “no” is okay, that I always show Anna affection in a number of ways, and that we had our very special bond long before she knew what a present was.

If we can manage to teach her realistically about money and priorities, maybe we can prevent her from incurring major debt and having to go through credit counseling later in life ….. and hopefully, we will make sure that she learns to value other things a lot more than the stuff that comes from stores.