It's Okay to Say No

Really, this title could apply to a number of things: saying "no" to requests or demands for our time, so we don't extend ourselves; saying "no" to our kids when they shouldn't have or do something; saying "no" when we're asked to give money because we just don't have it.

But, those are all topics for other occasions. Today, I'm writing about an article that I read on cnn.com about telling our kids that it's okay to say "no" to relatives and friends who may want their affection.

This is something I'd never thought about, but it's an interesting and important thing to consider. The author of the article suggests that not only is it uncomfortable for our kids when we insist that they hug a grandmother or uncle even though they don't want to - but it's also sending a very negative message. It's telling our kids they should do things they don't want to do with their bodies just because they are asked to do them.

And that's just not okay.

Photo from seniorjournal.com

We want our kids to be able to stand up to peer pressure in the future, whether it's pressure to try alcohol or drugs, pressure to have sex, or pressure to bully an unpopular kid (or to tolerate bullying directed toward them). It's important to remember that, as they grow, our kids are going to face a variety of pressures from a variety of sources. They need to be taught to be confident about who they are and what they want, to take a stand. They need to be equipped to be able to rebuff that pressure, to say "no" even when someone they like or look up to wants them to do something. This isn't bad manners - it's the kind of self-assurance we all want our kids to have.

However, the article focused on something even scarier - if we make our kids feel that they are forced to give affection or tolerate affection from others, we might inadvertently be teaching them that they shouldn't say no if someone initiates inappropriate physical contact with them. They might get the wrong message from our actions and learn that they must tolerate physical contact they don't like, or use their bodies to show love and affection to people whether they want to or not.

That is, quite frankly, terrifying to me.  Especially when you consider, as the article notes, that the majority of perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not strangers.  They often are relatives or friends or other people known to our kids.

Truthfully, the concept of "forced affection" never occurred to me. I don't think I have ever pressured Anna to give hugs or kisses she didn't want to give. But, when relatives or friends are leaving our house after a get-together, I routinely say, "They're leaving, so it's time to give hugs and kisses bye-bye." Even before I read this article, if Anna resisted, I wouldn't force her to do that. And she's such a loving, affectionate kid that she typically is happy to hug her family members or even friends and teachers at school.

But I'm going to file this away and remember it when and if she does resist. I'm not going to make her do anything with her body that she doesn't want to. I certainly don't want to teach her that she has to use her body to show love and affection, or that grown-ups can pressure her and that's okay, because it's not. And, as the writer points out, when kids are allowed the freedom to control their own bodies, we'll really know that the hugs and kisses they do give us are genuine and wonderful.

Please check out the article here. It's an important read because this stuff usually seems so innocent that the underlying effects of it might not occur to us, as they didn't to me. It definitely will impact my parenting style.

What do you think? Do you agree with these concerns? Has this occurred to you before? Were you forced to hug relatives as a kid?  Share your thoughts in the comments.