Were They Really The "Good Old Days"?

This one's for all you working moms. Yes, there are many working dads as well, but I'm venturing back into ye olde 1950s for this post, when most men worked and most women stayed at home with their kids. No gender discrimination meant.

Recently, I read a newspaper article about a working mom who started a company that provides contract legal services. She has a part-time job and also manages her company, all while raising two beautiful young children. The article discussed how her company fills an important void because it enables professional women - and men - (lawyers, in this case) to use their professional skills in a way that allows them to earn money while, at the same time, it creates a better work life-balance for them. Work and time with your kids....and they said we couldn't have it all.

I could end the post here if I was just writing about the article. But it's almost more interesting to delve into the often ignorant comments that are left on newspaper websites in response to articles. Of course, there were many positive remarks. Some commenters, however, (predictably) complained that there are already many lawyers - and I hear you, people, I do. But I'm one of them and my kid has to eat too. If I ever win the lottery, maybe there will be one less lawyer you have to worry about.

....Moving on, since that will never happen. There were also comments about how part-time or contract work is bad for business because companies/ firms want people who are engaged100% in the business, but part-time people detract from that and make it harder for other employees. Well, I suspect that if that were the case, businesses wouldn't allow people to work part-time and wouldn't seek contract services. If they weren't getting anything out of it (including, but not limited to, no provision of insurance benefits, and no salary to pay), it simply wouldn't be happening.

And I resent the idea that because I work part-time and on a contract basis, I can't be fully engaged in the business where I work or the field in which I practice. C'mon, critics, is that the best you've got?

The next area of comments were "this isn't newsworthy." Well, I beg to differ. If you haven't noticed, the news is often repetitive and depressing. Where I grew up, the newspaper was filled with articles about violence - armed robberies, murders, you name it. Not that it was a war zone or anything, but there is a stark contrast with where I live now. And so my take on it is this: if your community is lacking in those other areas enough to have newspaper space for an article about something good, consider yourself lucky.

Really, would one more article about how the economy sucks make you feel better? (photo from featurepics.com)

Besides, it is newsworthy when new small businesses pop up, especially in these difficult times. New businesses can help the local economy, and our community should support them. Simply publishing an article like this can make a big difference, so what harm could possibly come of it? And knowing that such options exist might also be encouraging for parents struggling with the demands of working hard and parenting too.

But that's not half as interesting as the final comment I'm going to write about. It went something like this:

"Mama bear stays with her cubs 24/7 until the cubs are ready to face the world on their own. We need more stay-at -home moms and fewer lawyers. The main reason our society is screwed up is the scarcity of stay-at-home moms. Dumping babies in daycare when they need mom the most is no way to raise children."

Hmmm, where to begin?

Ideally, I would love to stay home with Anna more than I do. Unfortunately, that's not the reality of my life. It's not reality for a LOT of mothers. There's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home parent if you can swing it. That's awesome. But what I hate is when those of us who simply can't are judged for it by people we don't know who have an incredibly simplistic and outdated worldview.

Cast of "Father Knows Best" (photo from artofmanliness.com) - it's a different world now...

There are a lot of reasons our society may be termed "screwed up" besides the fact that, in most households, both parents are working. Even without children, both adults in a household often work. And who knows, maybe kids with narrow-minded parents who are not exposed to other children and families very much are "screwed up" too as a result of being too sheltered and surrounded by judgmental rhetoric.

Anyway, the best comeback to this that I saw was as follows:

"As a working mom (the main breadwinner, even!) I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're of an older generation than I am. So, thanks for being part of the generation that created an environment where 72% of moms have to be in the workforce to support their families, in which people are working longer hours for less money, where it costs more to survive than it did when you were raising your kids - housing costs more, medical care costs more, food costs more - and their costs rising much faster than wages.  And then turning around and blaming us for the world you've created."

Things have changed just slightly over the years...

No, I didn't write it - another working mom beat me to the punch. But she makes some excellent points. It's really unfair - and aggravating - when people whose lives were a lot different than mothers' lives are today judge us by those standards that no longer exist as if we are somehow failures. Screw that. Our cost of living is higher, money doesn't go as far as it used to, and (gasp!) both partners raising children are seeking more education than they used to. Does this mean we are failures as parents because we work? Hardly.

Now, I've been mainly writing from the perspective of having to work, since times are tough and most people I know have to work whether they are parents or not. This week, I think I have crushed up graham crackers in Anna's soymilk every morning for my breakfast since my favorite cereals seem like an expensive luxury these days.

But I digress. Some people also work whether they have to or not - because they want to. Because they're smart and they have talents they want to contribute to the work force and to the community. Because they are driven and intellectually curious and want to use their brains in complicated endeavors and maybe, just maybe, do some good in this world, all while providing for their families.

What's wrong with that? Who's to say these people can't be fabulous parents too?

I borrowed a lot - and, by that, I mean A LOT - of money to get my law degree. Is there anything I'd rather do than be with Anna? No. Do I still enjoy and want to use my brain and expensive education to do some good in the world? Of course. And nobody should have to feel guilty for that.

Bright-eyed and eager on the day I was sworn into the Bar

This is a wonderful lesson in thinking about someone else's perspective before judging. I am as fiercely devoted to my kid as anyone else is. So before anyone thinks that those of us who work and are parents are somehow less devoted, or are harming our children's futures, please stop to think about what you're saying, and about what flawed premises may underlie your opinion. We're not just statistics. We're families, just like yours. Rant over.