Beyond the Rainbow

Once upon a time, once when you were mine,

I remember skies reflected in your eyes.

I wonder where you are, I wonder if you think about me

Once upon a time… in your wildest dreams.

“Your Wildest Dreams” – The Moody Blues

I heard the song the other day as I was driving on the highway. As I’ve mentioned, I spend a lot of time in my car these days going on what I have unfortunately dubbed the foreclosure tour of my state. I travel to do trials and I log a lot of time behind the wheel.

That means I listen to a lot of music.

Now, that's usually a good thing, because I love music and I often find it to be energizing and inspiring when I need it to be, but also relaxing and calming when I need it to be.

Yet still, there are those days were the specter of grief pops into my mind out of nowhere and I think about my best friend and how much I miss him. It's amazing how powerful those emotions are. He's been gone for almost three years now, which I can hardly believe, and still in a random moment when I least expect it, I feel his presence – or, rather, the lack of his presence – and it overwhelms me. 

I never thought these are the things I would be thinking about at my age, but I guess many of us never thought a lot of things would happen, and they do anyway. You just don't know where life will take you.

One reason for this train of thought may be that he and I connected through music so much. Or it could be that I spend way too much time alone with my own thoughts, and sometimes that's not a good thing because I feel too vulnerable.  I also originally dictated this post before Christmas, and many of us think even more than usual about our loved ones and friends at the holidays.

Anyway, I heard that Moody Blues song and started thinking about him, and wondering whether he thinks about me too. I've always had this notion that the people who have gone on before us can see us from up there……but if it is supposed to be a place of pure joy, can they see our sorrows? Do they know we’re missing them? Do they miss us?  Do they emote like we do during our lives?

These are things I will never know until I find out the hard way someday. Until then, I will just go on believing that he's always with me in one way or another, and that somewhere up there, I have a guardian angel with fabulous style.

Besides, I suppose I should dispense with futile musings and just enjoy the happy memories I have – and cherish the opportunity to make new ones with the people in my life today. I know Ken wouldn't want me to let myself get bogged down by grief. He lived life to the fullest. That's what I want to do too.  A certain little girl is counting on me.

After all, life is short and the best gift we have is each other. 

Don't cry, you're not alone

Don't cry tonight, my baby

Don't cry, you'll always be loved

Don't cry tonight, my baby

"Don't Cry" -- Seal