This is my favorite line from the song "Crazy" by Alana Davis. It's how I feel a lot of the time - I know I'm sane, but I have my crazy moments. And lately I've been having more and more of them.
Part of it is the stress of changing career roles and expectations. Part of it is the financial pressure and uncertainty that causes. And, of course, part of it is having a very bright, verbally skilled toddler who's always trying to play me like a fiddle.
But other than that, I'm super.
Anyway, you can probably tell from my latest posts that I'm in problem-solving mode. Recently, I have become a big fan of the website, www.empoweringparents.com. I found the article about limit testing because I was searching for material on that subject, and that led me to the bedtime one and now, thankfully, to one about parenting more calmly.
What's interesting about this is that, as parenting is starting to become a more challenging endeavor, I haven't automatically thought to research techniques for addressing the new challenges. I have no idea why, given that I'm a trained researcher and writer. Not only did I have a good deal of research training as a History major in college, but research forms a good deal of my work as a lawyer.
So, when a problem arises at work, my first impulse is to research it and find a solution. Why isn't it as instinctive to do that in parenting mode?
I'm not sure, but I feel like a little light bulb has appeared over my head, and now that is exactly what I'm going to do. After all, there's a tremendous amount of information out there, so why not take advantage of it?
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| Photo from smartcollegeplanning.org |
As behavior issues and attitude naturally have started to surface in our otherwise happy, easygoing little girl, I find the amazing level of patience I had developed for those first two years starting to deteriorate a bit. Anna and I are so close that she knows exactly how and when to push my buttons.
And yes, that drives me absolutely crazy.
See, I grew up in a household where everyone expressed their feelings instead of repressing them, which I think is a pretty good thing. I'd rather know where I stand with someone and what the expectations are, even if I don't like them, than be in the dark and have to guess. However, the downside of that emotional expressiveness is how things get expressed when people are angry. Which, usually, is through yelling and the use of harsh words.
I didn't realize that I had developed this type of anger expression until someone I dated a long time ago, someone who grew up in a household with no fighting and very little emoting about anything, told me how sharp my tone was and terribly angry I sounded when I yelled or got upset.
For some strange reason, it had never occurred to me that that might be the case. This was the norm for me with my background - big anger, big love, at the end of the day everything was fine. Whatever the emotion was, good or bad, it was out there.
And I still think that's mostly a good thing. Expressiveness is better than repression. But having someone who had a totally different background point out my anger issues to me was enlightening. And I began to strive to conquer my anger by reading self-help books and generally being more mindful and self-aware.
The results were primarily good. I noticed that I could tame my anger more quickly just by being aware of it when it started to rise. I noticed that I didn't yell as much. I tried to avoid conflict. My relationships, including the one with my parents, became less adversarial and, as a result, they improved.
I became the peace-maker.
Now, this doesn't mean I don't argue or yell. I do. I still get angry. Just ask my family. (Actually, please don't!)
Over the years, however, I've also become rather conflict-averse. I'm now the type of person who will go to great lengths to avoid a conflict, even if it means suppressing what I'm really thinking, or breathing deeply and choking out an apology just to make a fight stop. (Which, by the way, I don't necessarily advocate - it's just where I am right now.)
This is sort of a parallel to my professional life when I was a litigator - I worked hard to get the two sides of a case to meet in the middle and settle their differences. As long as my client got a fair deal, of course.
But if they didn't work it out....it was game on. And my aggressive side would come out in court to fight for my client, no matter what.
I suppose the personal life equivalent of that is that, my angry side still rears its ugly head when I just can't take it anymore, or when I can't back down because I know (or really, really hope) I'm right.
It's pretty evident how this relates to parenting. I've written before about the surprising amount of patience this impatient person has with Anna. But now.....well, now the rules of the game are changing a bit. Anna isn't a baby anymore. She's a little person who's smart and stubborn and doing those things all kids do to push buttons and see what she can get away with.
And, as a consequence, my vast store of patience is eroding, little by little.
I think both are part of the process. And I'm still very patient. I do try to avoid conflict by picking my battles. When I can, I offer Anna choices so that she feels somewhat empowered instead of like she's being ordered around. I give her a chance to make a good choice and feel good about herself for doing so. But when nothing works, when she's pushing as hard as she can, I get angry. And I raise my voice.
And I feel....well, just a little bit crazy.
Enter the article, "Calm Parenting: Stop Letting Your Child's Behavior Make You Crazy," by Debbie Pincus, MS, LMHC. Every parent should read it. Some of the stuff is new and insightful, and some of it is stuff that's instinctive, but in moments of conflict, it's hard to remember.
Anyway, like I took the reaction to my anger and used it as an opportunity to improve myself, I'm taking this as a challenge to be a calmer and therefore more effective parent.
We'll see how it goes. How do you stay calm under the pressure of a defiant kid? Tell us in the comments.
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| Photo from coursyoga.net |
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