Are We Really "Born This Way"? (1 of 2)

I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes,

I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way.

--Lady Gaga, "Born This Way"

And now for a nature/ nurture presentation from our sponsors. LOL.

Seriously, I decided to write this post today after having read an article posted on Facebook and the comments that followed. The article was about a father's support of his "gay" 7-year-old son. Heartwarming, right?

Not to some people, of course.

Me at Halloween dressed as a Yankee - age 10

The comments didn't revolve around the parent's support as much as they did around the child's proclamation of being gay.  They weren't awful or anything, but some of the people who commented were shocked that anyone could "know" his or her sexual orientation at such a young age, before puberty or any sexual development. After all, there are some girls who play in the dirt and play sports and grow up straight, and some boys who play with dolls and wear their mother's high heels and grow up straight.

Yes, all of that is very true. However, it is also true that some kids - like me - don't outgrow those childhood "phases" because our sexual orientation is already embedded, even before we ourselves can recognize it. I understand that that can be difficult for some people to grasp, especially parents whose children don't fit the "normal" boy and girl gender stereotypes.

When I was Anna's age. The lederhosen weren't my idea...

But, grasp it we must. For the sake of our kids. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.

It's true that, when our children are young, they don't really get sexuality. And that's a relief to all of us, I'm betting. But, they do learn about gender roles at a very young age. They acquire that knowledge from what they see at home and school.  If their mothers stay home with them, that's what they think moms do. If their dads work, that's what they think dads do.

All kids - even kids like Anna, who are raised in same-sex households - play with dolls and toys and there is a mom and a dad. The difference is that Anna sometimes pretends there are two moms, but she also knows most people have a mom and a dad.

(Take note of that, psycho religious conservatives at NOM.)

In any event, I'm just trying to convey the point that there's a lot kids understand about the way things work, and about what it "means" to be a man or woman way before they can apply that logic to themselves, and way before they start to experience sexual attraction.

Which is why the world can seem pretty darn scary to kids like me, who grow up in the mold, understanding the mold....yet not fitting the mold.

I don't know much about the kid in the article, but I can tell you about my own experience. Even before I played with G.I. Joes and Transformers, even before I was obsessed with trying to play little league baseball even though it seemed like it was just for boys, I felt different. When I was about six, I even told my parents I wanted to be a boy.

Decked out as a mini-Marine, pre-"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

As you might imagine, they weren't as thrilled as when I said I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

It would have been easy to let that go, maybe, if it hadn't become a regular refrain. If I hadn't chafed at wearing dresses and having my hair curled. If I didn't prefer rugby shirts and shirts with numbers to those dresses, and cars and trucks to baby dolls. You get the picture.

Forgive me for the Jams...it was the 80s, people.

So, when I was about eight, I was shipped off to counseling. I met with a psychologist and looked at cool pictures and talked about what they meant (a/k/a the Rorschach test). I took all sorts of tests with shapes. I found out something called my IQ. It was a high number and that was supposed to be good. Every now and then, he asked me about my family and friends and things that were bugging me. It was a surreal experience, especially when you're only eight.

Rorschach inkblot from wikipedia.org

Sometimes I enjoyed it, sometimes not. Mostly I just wondered why we went there a couple of times a month. I was also partially relieved, and partially mortified, that one of the receptionists was a lady I went to church with....relieved because hers was a familiar, friendly face, and mortified because, well, what if she told people I was there? (After all, I was too little to understand doctor-patient confidentiality.) Or, even worse, what if she knew there was something wrong with me??

Because that's what I thought. I knew I wasn't just there for fun and games with pictures. I knew we had appointments like with a doctor. I knew it cost money. I knew people went there when there was something not quite right about them. So, what was wrong with me?

How they wanted me to look (age 3)

I couldn't figure it out at first. My parents told me something along the lines of: you're a smart little girl, way too smart for your age and very determined, very challenging, and we just want to be able to understand and parent you better. Time dims the memory somewhat, but that's what I recall.

How I wanted to look, age 10 - member of the B League Cardinals

I wanted to believe it, and it was all true....but I didn't exactly buy that 100%.

[Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of this post. Please. I do have a point....  :)]