Mind Your Own Beeswax!

I heard this expression a lot growing up. Everyone's always got something to say - whether they're asked for their two cents or not. I confess I am among the guilty. And, like everyone else, I should probably mind my own business. I do try, I swear!

But nowhere is this social compulsion to butt in more prevalent than in the world of parenting. It's as if having a child guarantees you'll be the recipient of more "wisdom" than ever before. Except there's one problem.

I didn't really ask for it. And I bet you didn't either.

Anna's response to many things these days

Now don't get me wrong, I surely needed a lot of help when Anna came into our lives. I was a total child-rearing novice. I hadn't had 9 months to read parenting books and learn as much as I could. For months, I wouldn't let Heidi leave me alone with her. I didn't even know basic things, like the fact that newborns have squishy heads for awhile. I'll never forget my panic feeling the "dent" in Anna's head thinking I'd somehow injured her.

I wasn't the brightest bulb. (Shh, don't tell.)

In awe....

But, I'm also not too proud to ask for help. And I did, often. I read books and I relied on the experience of those wiser than I, the veterans of child-rearing. I was, and still am, very grateful for all of their insight and experience and have put into practice many of their ideas. And yes, I still ask for help, all the time.

I'm not sure how I would've reacted, though, if I hadn't been seeking the advice and was suddenly told that I was doing something wrong, or that there was a "better" way. Especially if that advice came from a complete stranger.

This article about strangers randomly offering parenting "tips" really made me think. It's easy to judge or criticize when you've never been there, or when your kid is older and you can barely remember those struggling toddler days at the mall. I used to do have those moments too, pre-Anna....but only in my head, never aloud.

But now that I have a child and know that there is no magic remote that will control them or change the grumpy channel to a happy one or mute them when you're tired of the fussing....I do my best to push any judgmental thoughts aside.

And then there's the phenomenon I discussed in the post, Evil Restaurant Man.  This is the corollary to unsolicited advice - it's about those people who don't choose to offer unwelcome guidance, but their condescending or disgusted expressions say it all anyway.  I remember being appalled at the way we were treated by our neighboring diners and thinking that I'd never look at or speak to someone that way.

The bottom line is, we don't know someone's personal situation, their level of parenting experience, whether their child has special needs or issues that warrant a specific approach, what stressors they may be facing in their lives, whether they've had the crappiest day ever, or any of that.

For instance, these two could be completely crazy....

So, unless we think a child is being abused and the appropriate authorities need to be contacted - which I would not hesitate to do if I were certain - we should keep our mouths shut. Not just because it's the polite thing to do, but because we probably wouldn't want the advice ourselves if the roles were reversed.

I know it can be hard - I'm sure we've all seen parents out there who speak to their children in ways we wouldn't speak to ours, or who just don't seem to have it all together and you feel for the kids, or who do things in a different way than we do and we think our way is "better."

But we all have our hard days too, when we're not acting like model parents in the grocery store as we have a crying kid in tow and a cart full of stuff we can barely afford and we're running late. So I just grin and bear it and try to have some compassion when I'm feeling judgmental. Save the venting for your spouse or friends and let people be. Hopefully they will return the compassion when it's your turn.