It's Okay to Screw Up

The title is self-explanatory.  But the emotion behind it is more complicated.

See, lately I've been struggling with Parenting Perfectionism.  It's capitalized because it is, in fact, a thing. And it's not a good thing. 

Don't get me wrong, it's great to want to do the best job possible for your child.  In fact, if you didn't want that for him or her, there might be something really wrong with you.

Great job! (Playing our ABC game)

But I am learning that there's a difference between wanting to do the best you can as a parent, and pursuing goals that are unrealistic, which sets you up for failure.  And feeling like you're a lousy parent isn't good for you OR your child.

The Hard Is What Makes It Great

I'm sure some of you recognize this quote from the movie, "A League of Their Own." Tom Hanks portrays Jimmy Dugan, the manager of a World War II-era women's baseball team. He's trying to talk his star player, Dottie (played by Geena Davis), out of giving up the game mid-season to go start a family. When Dottie says things just got too hard, Jimmy replies:

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard...is what makes it great."

I've thought back to this quote a number of times over the years, especially when I've doubted myself or my ability to get through something. I've reminded myself that nothing worth doing is ever that easy, and that sometimes the best things aren't supposed to be easy.

The hard is what makes it great.

Hanks & Davis, "A League of Their Own" (photo from classic--movies.blogspot.com)

Mind Your Own Beeswax!

I heard this expression a lot growing up. Everyone's always got something to say - whether they're asked for their two cents or not. I confess I am among the guilty. And, like everyone else, I should probably mind my own business. I do try, I swear!

But nowhere is this social compulsion to butt in more prevalent than in the world of parenting. It's as if having a child guarantees you'll be the recipient of more "wisdom" than ever before. Except there's one problem.

I didn't really ask for it. And I bet you didn't either.

Anna's response to many things these days

My Achilles Heel

Most of my parenting commentary revolves around the happy side effects of parenting - the unparalleled joy it brings, the funny moments, the thrilling life changes.

But there is one thing about parenthood that isn't always happy. In fact, that one thing is more difficult than just about anything in the world.

And that is knowing that your heart is gone, that it is walking freely in this world in the form of a beautiful little person, that you have no control over it anymore.  This can be the source of your greatest joy and also of your greatest sorrow.

My little girl is my Achilles heel.

Sleeping beauty, Nov. 2011

A Dialogue

Here's the deal. I'm having a bit of writer's block this week. Frankly, I'm amazed it hasn't happened before, given that I've been posting something almost every day since the beginning of June. It's a feeling I hate.

So, if you'll indulge me, I'll open myself up for a minute. I want this blog to be a success. I want to write something that matters, something that entertains, something that educates, something that resonates with you. When I get that feeling that I don't know what to write about, almost every time, it comes to me. Somehow, magically, it just works. Most of the time.

Photo from infobarrel.com

Dude Looks Like a Lady: Gendering Parenthood

I am the Dad.  Or, better yet, I am the 1950s Dad.  I work long hours, come home to dinner on the table most nights, and contribute very rarely to routine housework.  I am the major breadwinner and I handle all of the household jobs that require muscle or the use of tools. 

Yet these characteristics are not what make me the Dad.  Rather, it is the relationship that I share with Anna that makes me the Dad in our family.

Happy together, Oct. 2011

Even Supermoms Have Limits

So, out of concern that perhaps you won’t “listen” to me anymore if I keep talking about listening, I will make this my last post in this vein (for now, anyway).  And I’ll work on the bad jokes too.

Writing about listening to our limits yesterday, and realizing how little I listen to mine, made me realize that acknowledging our limits doesn’t always mean saying “no.”

Sometimes, it means saying YES.

From elleelleeye.blogspot.com

Children are Miraculous

It's so true. I just had to share this awesome photo with you. It was posted by my friend on Facebook, but is originally from a website called "The Joyful Mother," which advertises itself as a blog with life coaching and tips for moms. Check it out!

Enjoy!  Then go home and squeeze your kids. :)

 

 

from www.thejoyfulmother.com

It's Unconditional

Blogger’s Note:  This post is written in honor of National Coming Out Day..... for all who have found the courage to live openly and honestly, for all those who are still struggling with that decision, and for those whose families have let them down. You are not alone. It does get better.

Unconditional love. We feel it with our kids. Maybe we feel it with our pets. Hopefully we feel it with our other loved ones and friends too……

……Until we don’t.  Sometimes we have a falling out, a difference of opinion that just feels too hard to handle, and we just stop talking. Or our loved one does something that bothers us so much we can’t feel the same way about them, no matter how hard we try.

It’s always sad when this happens. Unfortunately, though, these cycles are a part of life. 

But one thing they should never be is a barrier between us and our kids.

Guest Post Tomorrow!

My Life With Pie will be featuring its third guest post tomorrow! I'm extra excited to announce that it's written by my partner, Heidi.  Everyone who knows her well knows she's a fabulous writer and a passionate advocate. A former teenage single mom turned lawyer, she has a unique perspective to share. 

Have you ever thought about the impact of politicians' decisions on our lives?  If not, you should - especially those of us who are parents.  Parents have even more reason to pay close attention to what goes on around us because our kids' future is at stake. Please check out the post tomorrow and get in on the discussion!

My Life with Autism

Today MLWP is pleased to feature our second guest post, written by blogger and mom Melissa M., about her experience as the parent of an autistic child. Please check out her blog, Lissa's 3 Girls.

How is my life different with Autism? Everything is the same, yet so different. I have 3 girls. My two oldest are 11 and 9 years old and are called “Neuro-typical” (NT) children in the Special Needs world. My youngest is almost 5 and has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Sensory Modulation Disorder (a common side effect of ASD). I’m by no means going to compare my older children with my youngest. But in the last year, the one thing I’ve learned about ASD children and NT children is that there is no way to compare them.

Melissa's 3 girls!

What Makes a Parent?

Okay, today I’m going to do something a little unusual – I’m going to use my own blog to write about another blog.

The first parenting blog I ever read, before I started My Life With Pie, was Single Dad Laughing. I found it to be an amazing mix of humor, advice, and warmth, with a little justified ranting thrown in.  The really awesome thing about this site created by a single dad is that it’s only been in existence a little over a year, yet it has already attracted a huge number of followers and spawned a few books.

Yes, I can admit it…..I’m a little jealous.

Trying to Matter

While I was distracted by storm preparation this weekend, a milestone passed and I didn’t even realize it until this morning, now that the fog is clearing.

Our blog has published over 100 posts!

This is something I feel proud of because I have often asked myself over the last few years whether the things I am doing matter. Do you ever ask yourself that question?

Monkey See, Monkey Do!

Kids are copycats.  It’s just natural.  Half the time, I don’t even realize Anna is absorbing words and phrases of ours until I hear them repeated back to me.  I know she didn’t come up with “I’m making coffee for my presentation” on her own. (Hilarious, though, isn’t it?!)

So it’s no surprise that, sponges as they are, our kids pick up behaviors and language from their friends as well.  My Pie goes to a wonderful day care and I am so happy she’s making lots of friends.  She bonds equally well with boys and girls, which is good, and I know all of her friends by name.

I Said No, I Said!

Raise your hands if your child’s most recent favorite word is “no.”  And I don’t just mean a simple, polite no, I mean a raging scream, i.e. “NOOOOO!!”

“No” is the thing Anna says most often these days, with “I love you!” coming in at a close second.  The thing I say most often is “I love you,” followed by, “Be careful with your body!”  We are creatures of habit, so it makes sense that we have particular phrases or words we often repeat without even thinking.

Enriching Lives through Family Literacy

Today, I am pleased to welcome out first guest writer:  my friend Brenda, who is a blogger and a parent herself. Below is her wonderful piece about family literacy.

It is hard for me to imagine a home without books in it.  From the time I can first remember, I have memories of being read to and of reading myself.  My constant and most favorite form of escape during my troubled teenage years was reading.  I was one of those children to fall easily into a made up world, so it was easy for me to implant myself into the made up world of books.  I remember being dropped off at the county library for hours.  I was never afraid; I loved being surrounded by thousands of books, and relished the idea of getting to read some of them in a quiet organized space.

Patience is Indeed a Virtue

I’m one of the most impatient people you’ll ever meet. When I want results, I want them yesterday. When I want to buy something, assuming it’s feasible to obtain it, I obsess about it until I get it, even if I end up feeling guilty later. I’m dead set on accomplishing my goals. I want ostensible evidence of my efforts ASAP. (Including a large number of followers for this blog, cough, cough.)

Having a child turns the instant gratification mentality upside down. In the past, I often wondered whether I’d be a suitable parent, given my general impatience and my need for order and cleanliness (if you haven’t already, check out “Moms in the Trenches” for more on that subject). I think Heidi had the same concerns, because I am driven and anal and particular about minutia almost as much as I am about what really matters – sad but true.

Nurturing Nature?

Of course we’re all familiar with the expression “nature versus nurture.” We use this phrase as we attempt to understand why people do all sorts of things, or why they are the way they are. Are we a product of our environment? Are we naturally a certain way? Is it a combination of both?

Parenting Skills List Wrap-Up

Before we say goodbye to the parental skill series, I wanted to wrap it up with one more discussion and also post the results* of our poll about this article.

37% of people who responded said they agreed with the list as-is.
25% said they agree with all 10 items but would order them differently.
37% said they did not agree with all 10 and would add something else.

* Totals do not add to 100% due to rounding.

If you didn’t respond but would like to, please give us your opinion in the comments.

We looked pretty thoroughly at all the traits and competency areas that supposedly indicate we’re good parents, and will make our relationships with our kids better and make them happier as a result. But I thought it would be useful to take a moment and see what it all boils down to: in other words, what do we take from this and what can we do to embody these skills?

Safe In Your Arms

We briefly touched on this issue in “Miss Independent.” Rounding out our list of the top 10 parental skill areas is safety.

Frankly, I can’t believe this is at the bottom of the list, after religion and life skills and health. Does it matter how well our kids eat or exercise or whether they go to church if they’re gone?

Safety is a huge issue for parents in today’s world. Not that it wasn’t years ago, but there is such significant media focus on this now that worries about our kids’ safety are almost always in our minds to one degree or another. I asked readers to think about this not only as a separate issue, but also as it relates to cultivating independence in children.