But there is one thing about parenthood that isn't always happy. In fact, that one thing is more difficult than just about anything in the world.
And that is knowing that your heart is gone, that it is walking freely in this world in the form of a beautiful little person, that you have no control over it anymore. This can be the source of your greatest joy and also of your greatest sorrow.
My little girl is my Achilles heel.
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| Sleeping beauty, Nov. 2011 |
She stole my heart long ago. Anna is my greatest love but also my greatest weakness. The sacrifices that come with having a child, especially in more unique circumstances like ours, sometimes in the difficult moments seem like more than I can bear. I always find a way, but that effort takes its toll.
Of course, I've written before about the more obvious sacrifices that come with raising children - lack of free time, financial stress, exhaustion, reduced ability to prioritize your own needs and wants. And that's fine. All of those things simply are part of the journey, and all of them taken together pale in comparison to the love, the happiness, and the fullness and richness of life that Anna brings us.
But beneath the surface simmer the tougher things, the unspoken struggles, the challenges, the inevitable conflicts between what you want, or what others want from you, and what is best for your child. Your child always wins. That is the way it's supposed to be. But it doesn't make it easy.
We are only human. Sometimes we try to be superhuman when our situations seem to demand it, but of course this is impossible. What do you do when you feel as though can't please anyone, that no matter what you do somebody may get hurt, that you just can't win?
You let your heart guide you. Your external heart that is in mini-human form.
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| Oct. 2011 |
Sometimes I wish I could run away from confusion or anger when it arises. Sometimes I wish I were younger again, that I had that kind of energy, that life were simpler. But who among us has the luxury of returning to something that no longer exists? Heidi warned me about this.....LOL!
Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to say exactly what I feel because it's tearing me up to keep it inside, and trying to be all things to all people and keep everyone happy causes so much pain it makes me physically ill. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air. Sometimes I feel that have no energy and I just can't take any more stress.
But like a boxer struggling to stand up in the ring, I stagger to my feet and keep going. I fight like hell to keep all of the turmoil beneath the surface. It may take all I have, all of my energy and love and patience, but I do it. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I give this life all I have, for Anna's sake. I let my love for her guide me in all that I do.
I wish I were bulletproof, impervious to pain. I wish I truly were superwoman, that I could easily balance the demands of life when I feel torn in many different directions at once. I wish that doing the right thing wasn't always so difficult. I wish that figuring out what the right thing is wasn't always so tough too.
But when you lose your heart to an amazing little angel, the personification of love, you lose some element of choice. You open yourself up to things that you never imagined. You lose control and you are bound by promises and you forget about you - it's only about her. You follow her as she leads you down whatever road she chooses and you say a silent prayer, that she is happy, that everything will be okay, that it will all be worth it in the end.
In return, you feel a love that transcends all of the struggle you may feel inside. You gain more than you could ever give. You feel the softness of her cheek against yours as she squeezes the life out of you, and it is the best feeling imaginable.
You see the love shining in her deep brown eyes and the smile that reaches across her whole face. You hear the thunder of tiny feet running for you and - wham! - little arms grabbing you in a bear hug, a little voice shouting, "MOMMY!" at the end of a long day, and the rest just instantly melts away.
Yes, she is my Achilles heel. But nothing worth having is easy, and everything worth having is worth fighting for. To quote one of my favorite movie lines (from "A League of their Own") - "the 'hard' is what makes it great."
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