Thanksgiving: The Family You Choose

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  In honor of a holiday that is about gratitude, I wanted to re-post one of my favorite posts from very early in the life of this blog. It's been one of the most widely read, but I know there are many people out there who are missing someone today and/or cannot be with their loved ones, blood or otherwise, for whatever reason. I hope this speaks to you.

So here's something for those of us who are very grateful for our families of choice - I know I am.

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Tales of the City changed my life.

That sounds like a hyperbolic pronouncement, but it’s basically true. For those who haven’t heard of it, it’s a series of novels by Armistead Maupin that grew out of a newspaper serial he wrote in the San Francisco Chronicle. Before I even knew about these fabulous books, I saw the 6-part miniseries that tracks the first novel.  It’s rare that you remember the first time you saw a show, but I will never forget this.



It was a Friday night my senior year in college. I was horribly sick while all my friends were going to some awesome party. To cheer me up, my friend Nathan dropped off these videos for me.  He popped the first one in while I huddled on the couch feeling miserable, and then he left for the party.  I figured I’d fall asleep soon.

Well, before that first installment was over, I was hooked.  This unique story about a group of eccentrics (really, misfits) living in the same apartment building in 1970s San Francisco deeply resonated with me. To be sure, they were unlikely friends – a middle-aged landlady with a mysterious past, a hippie advertising agent, a young gay man who left his conservative family to start over, a disillusioned former lawyer, a naïve transplant from the Midwest, and several others.  Yet, they all found each other and somehow became an extended family.

Characters from Tales of the City

They chose each other. And they became a real family.

This message resonated with me at a time when I was struggling to figure out who I was and where my life was going. I was single. I had no idea what I was going to do in 7 months when I graduated with a history degree from a liberal arts school and no relevant work experience. I had finally gotten my first apartment. I had also recently come out to my parents and that was hard for them and for me. I was disillusioned with my religious faith and feared the loss of church friends that I loved. And then I found this group of characters come to life, all walking very different paths, not connected by blood, but brought together by circumstance.  They were there for each other and formed a bond that surpassed friendship. I wanted that too.

I watched all 6 hours of it without stopping. I felt a lot better somehow.

I have thought of those beloved characters many times over the years. I thought about them when I graduated and moved two hours away from my family to start my post-graduate life. That move reconnected me with someone from high school who has become one of my dearest friends.

It also introduced me to the best friend I have ever had, who became like a brother to me. Our ten years of friendship before his untimely death taught me more than I can recount here, but most importantly, he taught me that no matter what, the unconditional love of my chosen family could carry me through anything. And, years after our meeting, he connected me with his other best friend. I didn’t know it then, but he too would become a big part of my life, and he’s now one of my favorite people in the world.

The chosen family concept works in mysterious and wonderful ways.

I thought about the Tales friends several years after college when I decided to go to law school. I again relocated, this time several states and 12 hours away, and started an entirely new life, knowing no one. I figured I’d go back to my home state after getting my degree….but instead, I found a new family waiting here for me – Heidi, Kelsey and now, precious Anna.  Heidi’s family also has become like my own. Like the protagonist in Tales, the naïve Ohio girl beckoned by the allure of the West Coast, I had moved from the only state I had ever lived in to a completely different part of the country and carved out a different - and better - future than anything I could have imagined.

Of course, all of this centers on the family I have chosen, which has continued to grow over the years. But the really special thing is that I have been chosen too. I know without a doubt that Anna chose Heidi and me to be her parents.

There is no way I would have wandered around that store agonizing over the fate of a niece I didn’t know yet if it wasn’t meant to be.  The wrongness of the foster care situation haunted me in a way that almost made me ill. I have never felt such obvious direction from above as I did then, and at the time, I didn’t even think she would always live with us.  The future was unclear. But everything that has happened since has only confirmed what my soul somehow already knew. She’s not my biological daughter – but she is most definitely my daughter.  And I am happy that she has 2 other mothers– I am determined that, together, the 3 of us will more than make up for what she lacks in the paternal department.  One thing is for sure: this child is surrounded by a wealth of love that anyone would be lucky to have.

I’m thrilled that, before her 3rd birthday, Anna has already begun to develop an extended family of choice. Of course, she has her mother and her aunt/mothers and her sister/cousin Kelsey. She adores Grammie, Aunt Mary, Uncle Tim, and her cousins.  Beyond that, she has fabulous teachers and little friends who genuinely love her. She has embraced our family friends, who are part of our chosen family.

My friend Keith is Uncle Keith. She has come to call my parents Grandma and Granddad.  Even my Facebook friends, many of whom live in other states, love Anna from afar.

Anna, Me and Uncle Keith

So, what are the lessons in this?  We are free to shape our destinies, no matter our backgrounds. The people we are meant to know and love will find us somehow. And, what matters isn’t a person’s official relation to you, or what you call them, or whether they are bound to you by blood or not, or even how often you get to see them. What matters is the love you share with each other. What matters is the fact that you can always depend on your chosen family.  Mine has seen me through moves, breakups, the death of a loved one, the agonizing decision to go to law school, the even more agonizing decision to move away to do it, becoming a parent, successes, and failures.

Anna, Me, and Heidi

Make no mistake: I love my biological family and they are a big part of my life. They have shaped my values and supported my goals and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them.  I’m simply thankful that God has put people in my path over the years that love me unconditionally, that I can’t imagine not knowing now. You know who you are, and I love you. I just hope Anna is as blessed as I am as she builds her chosen family over the years.