They spend a ton of time together. They have a great time. They like to do many
of the same things. But sometimes, they squabble
over the way those things should be done. Sometimes, they just don’t want to
share. Sometimes, they want to be alone.
Always, they eventually make up and start getting along again.
Are they an old married couple, you may ask? Actually, they are toddler buddies. But we old married couples could learn a lot
from them.
Mayhem at the park, Nov. 2011 |
Anna and Jacobi are best friends. We jokingly refer to Jacobi as “Anna’s
boyfriend,” even though it’s obviously too early for that. (But that would be
so cute when they get bigger – they’re both adorable!) They love to play
together but, being so close in age, they compete a lot as well. They both want the same swing at the same
time and sometimes must be forced to take turns.
When they’re not together, they ask for each other. Sometimes
there’s a meltdown if they can’t hang out at a particular time. If Jacobi’s mom and I don’t arrive to pick
them up around the same time so that we can all leave the day care at the same
time, there’s a problem. They ended up
trick-or-treating together simply because they didn’t understand why they weren’t
going together and were terribly upset about it.
Halloween 2011 |
Yet, for all this interest in each other, when they do get
together, sometimes one doesn’t want to play with the other. Sometimes there
are meltdowns. Sometimes they’re a
couple of little grumps. Which leaves us
parents scratching our heads, thinking, these are the kids who just begged to
play together?
Inevitably, at least one of them (usually both) gets a
lecture about sharing, taking turns, speaking nicely to each other, and/or playing
nicely together.
That’s the way of the toddler world.
Best buds, Fall 2011 |
But what’s in it for us? It’s so easy for us as parents to
identify what our child needs to do differently and correct him or her, but it’s
not so easy to apply that lens to our own adult lives.
Jacobi and Anna remind me of an old married couple
sometimes, given the way they bicker when they’re together…. but they miss each
other when they’re not. So, how could we
relate the things we teach them to our own relationships?
We “old married couples” presumably like to do a lot of the
same things – after all, opposites may attract, but commonality makes for a
lasting bond. But spending a lot of time together can also lead to grumpiness and
selfishness and bickering – as it does for the kids.
So, how can we make our time together more enjoyable? How
can we put into practice those lessons that we try to impart to our children?
Well, let’s think about what we tell the kids. Here’s an example. If Jacobi and Anna are arguing over wanting
the same swing, we tell them there are other swings and it doesn’t matter which
one they’re on as long as they’re swinging.
When this inevitably doesn’t solve
the problem, we encourage each of them to be good friends to the other by
giving up the prized swing for a few moments so that the other one can have a
turn. They get a chance to make the
choice themselves. If that doesn’t work,
we decide for them. Even if this means pulling Anna off the swing to give
Jacobi his 2 minutes, I do it. I reiterate that we need to share and it’s important
to be a good friend.
Thankfully, the teeter totter has plenty of seats! |
What does this have to do with your relationships, or even friendships, for that matter? Well,
sometimes it’s hard to sacrifice our own wishes and goals for someone else. But
sometimes, that’s exactly what the situation demands.
It’s easy to feel selfish when we get little free time and
we’ve been together a long time, but what would it do for our relationship to
share with our partner? To put aside our own wishes to make them happy, just
for a little while? If we try, we realize it’s not as hard as it may feel.
In fact,
it can feel really good to do something nice for someone you love. Try it sometime, and I will too. Instead of digging in your heels, go along with your partner's wishes and see what happens.
At the core of a good romantic relationship is a strong
friendship. But we can get so caught up in the everyday routine and
responsibility that we forget how to be good friends to our partners. Maybe it would be a good idea to take time
out every now and then to remind ourselves to share with
our partners, to do something nice for them “just because," to let them take a
much-needed break before we do….you get the idea.
This is not rocket science, of course, but I find that I’m
so busy telling Anna these things that I don’t really consider that maybe I could also use these reminders. I
feel like I’m typically on autopilot in my own life, and I don’t always stop to
consider whether I’m being a good friend and partner to Heidi.
So, we grown-ups should think of these things next time we’re
correcting our kids: are we speaking nicely to each other too? Are we sharing, or are we selfish?
Are we taking turns choosing the activity or having some “me
time”? Is our tone of voice a nice one? Could there be a better way to say what
we’re saying?
By doing these things in our own lives, not only are we
modeling good habits for our kids, but we’re also strengthening our
relationships.
A calm moment |
It’s been eye-opening for me to realize that although I’m
teaching my child, she is teaching me too. I love it that watching her play
with her little best buddy caused me to reflect on how I relate to my best buddy. It’s another reminder
that Anna and I are on this journey of learning together.
This post is so true.. what's even worse is that its so true... I was just having this conversation with my other night saying how when ha home all week its good but when he's only home on the weekend its a nightmare...
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