Mommy, Why Are You So Mean?

Yes, it's a lovely way to start your day when these words are addressed to you, complete with a giant pout and big, sad brown eyes.  This happened to me yesterday as I was helping Anna get buckled into her car seat to go to day care.  The full quote went something like this:

"Mommy, why are you so mean all the time? You...you...you make me do stuff!  You make me put on my coat!" That's right, folks, I'm the most horrible parent ever because every morning, I grin an evil grin and....make Anna put on her winter coat because it's 20 degrees outside.

Horror of horrors!!!

THIS is why we wear heavy coats, kiddo! (taken last winter, before coats were evil)

This sounds funny, and I actually laughed about it later, but in the moment I felt badly that Anna takes my directions to do things she doesn't want to do as my being "mean."  So I spoke softly and hugged her and said, "I'm not trying to be mean, honey."

I reminded her that I'm not just her "buddy" to play with - I'm her mom and it's my job to take care of her, even if that means forcing her to wear a big, heavy coat instead of a flimsy sweatshirt in the winter. Or telling her to eat her supper before getting any dessert. Or making her go to bed.

Really, this could pretty much cover any scenario in which I cruelly make Anna "do stuff."

Obviously, we as parents all know that it's our responsibility to make our kids do the dreaded but necessary things they need to do. And inherently this is not usually fun, as our kids are testing limits and developing their own distinct likes and dislikes.

Still, it sucks to have your kid think you're the big bad ogre because you have to make them do things they don't want to. But this was a good reminder for me that Anna sees things a lot more simply than I do, and I need to keep her perspective in mind in order to make it easier to achieve the desired result - getting her do what she needs to do.

After all, this is a kid who, like most kids, thinks that anyone who's not smiling broadly must be angry or sad.

In this case, the argument over the coat entailed my defying the good advice I've received to give Anna one chance to do something herself and then do it for her if she doesn't listen....I gave her about 5 chances to put her coat on by herself, trying desperately to get her to make a good choice so our exit would go more smoothly.  Sadly, she continued to fight it and I had to put it on her, which was why I was so darn "mean."

I'm not sure why I care so much about her thinking I'm mean. Maybe it's because I'm the softie rather than the enforcer, and our bond is so amazing that I don't want her to think I'm mean or to be mad at me.

When it comes down to it, though....that's ridiculous. We're not always going to be in the little kid honeymoon period where I'm her best friend and favorite playmate and so incredibly loved.  I wish that could last forever, and I hope that in some way, shape, or form, it does....but I know we will go through our battles, times where she feels like she hates me, and situations in which I will really be forced to toughen up so that important lessons will be learned.

So, I'd better develop a thicker skin and settle in for the independence and power struggles that are already beginning. I need to brush up on my ability to give "tough love" .... even if it means being a big old meanie.