Take It to the Limit

There should be a special reward for parents with kids from the ages of, oh, say two to four.  Because as I've discussed before, the evolving behavioral challenges of the early years don't end with the so-called "terrible twos."  In fact, I found age 2 to be much easier than age 3 is proving to be thus far.

Anna is smarter now, so she's better able to argue and attempt to cajole her way into whatever she wants. She's also developing her own strong-willed personality (which, I think, is hereditary). While I'm glad that this means she will probably become a confident, assertive woman.....it makes the early limit-testing just a wee bit difficult to handle.

Okay, more than a "wee" bit. Sometimes I feel a little nuts.

But this is all par for the course. So what we as parents have to do is not figure out how to stop the testing behavior - that's futile - but learn how to handle it and how to effectively set those limits our kids are constantly trying to overcome. Most importantly, we have to stick to them even when it's tough.

I especially have difficulty in this area. I'm definitely the softie in our household - heck, even Kelsey is tougher than I am when she watches Anna. Which is not to say I don't get upset and raise my voice sometimes, because I do. But my problem is that I try to choose battles too carefully. If I don't really have to say no, I often don't.

The issue then becomes that when I DO say no, sometimes Anna doesn't take it seriously. She'll try to push me until I cave and finally say, "Okay, just this once" or "One more show and that's it." She's quite talented that way. And unfortunately, the message I have sent in those situations where I cave in is that "no more" really means "a little more if you try hard enough."

Just a few more sprinkles....

So I found an article about limits on the Empowering Parents website especially useful. Please check it out and let me know what you think.

This part really hit home with me:  "Over-explaining your rationale to your child is really not the way to go, because then you're training your child to be a lawyer. Just explain why and set the limit."

And trust me, people, you really don't want to train your child to be a lawyer!

Anyway, this article helped me figure out that I make two major errors in handling Anna's limit testing.  One is that I do try to explain too much. Because she's so smart, I think I occasionally talk to her as if she's 20, not 3. There is only so much the preschooler's brain can handle, and I need to remember that instead of trying to reason with her.

The second error is being too timid about really disciplining her because I don't want to lose her affection or have it diminish somehow. Just writing that makes me feel ridiculous, but it's true. I don't want to be so angry that I push her away.

But I need to be focusing more on what's good for her and what she needs rather than what result I may or may not want. I need to provide the structure and discipline that are just as important for a child (if not more) as the fun, sweet, happy moments. And in the end, I really am confident that the bond we share will remain the same. If anything, it may be better because she knows where my limits are.

Just a few more minutes on the playground...

I just have to quit moving them around, that's all.

With a new perspective, I'm hoping that I will see a difference in the way I set limits and enforce them now that I understand a little bit more about what's happening when Anna pushes me, from her perspective and mine.

I'm curious whether the techniques described in the article are ones you use with your kids and, if so, how effective they are. I'd also love to know whether you have different strategies that work well for you. We're all in this together, right?