Thursday, December 15, 2011

And The Beat Goes On

Stress.  We all deal with it in one way, shape or form. Sometimes it's little annoyances, like slow drivers when we're already late for work, and sometimes it's big ones, like wondering how you'll pay a bill that month.

But if there's one thing being a parent teaches you, it's that no matter how much stress or sadness you're dealing with, life goes on. It must, no matter what.

And sometimes, that really sucks.


The first thing that comes to mind in this regard is the untimely death of my best friend in March 2010. Anna was about a year and a half old at the time. I knew he was seriously ill with cancer and I figured that, sadly, we wouldn't be laughing or gossiping over drinks in our 60s or anything.... but I didn't know I would lose him just under 2 years after his diagnosis.

Ken & me, June 2003
I had wondered how I would feel in that moment, and tried to envision it, but nothing prepares you for it. I figured I'd be crippled by sadness, unable to function, maybe drinking in the dark at night or something. And maybe I would have if not for Anna and the busyness of our life.

But on the morning he died, I was at a meeting with the Department of Health and Human Services. I ducked out to take the dreaded call, which I had sort of expected, and came back in, wiping away tears. Afterward, I called Heidi and cried. That afternoon, I went to a mediation that demanded all of my energy and attention, which was tough.

Later that night, Heidi and I went shopping at the mall. We had just gotten our tax refunds. I wasn't able to sit still and concentrate on anything at home and just needed to be around people, out somewhere, anywhere.  And I felt it was a fitting tribute to my all-time favorite shopping buddy, even though I walked from store to store like a zombie.

Getting ready to go out on the town, Aug. 2006

In the week that followed, I traveled for the visitation and funeral, saw wonderful friends and said my surreal goodbye. I flew back and found an excited Anna waiting for me and then, as was necessary, plunged right back into our busy routine. Her hugs and snuggles were healing somehow.

Over the next few months, I was surprised by my ability to put one foot in front of the other despite my devastating loss and to carry on living my life. I felt a bit disconnected, at times out of it, but I did what needed to be done. Of course sad moments overtook me now and then, but I had imagined I'd experience a deluge of grief all at once, and then slowly make my peace with it.

Grief had other plans.

Apparently, it doesn't work that way. You try to go about your life and you do a decent job....but somehow, somewhere, when you least expect it, it sneaks up on you and hits you - hard - out of nowhere.

But perhaps it's good that it's strong and random rather than regularly all-consuming.  After all, how do you go through the routine moments of your daily life when your heart is breaking? When you can't concentrate and it feels like nothing truly matters at the time?

Celebrating my law school graduation, May 2006

A lot of it has to do with Anna. There's no time to sit around feeling too sappy when you have baths to give, potty training to do, meals to fix, and, best of all, snuggle time to look forward to.

When this beautiful little being needs you, you have to respond, no matter what. There is no luxury of "time off" to recover. And for me, that proved to be a good thing, because it gave me the ability to keep on keeping on and to appreciate and even enjoy the present moments despite the sadness creeping up in the back of my mind.

I've been revisiting this issue lately because I'm under a lot of stress right now and going through some crazy stuff. Once again, my mind sometimes feels fuzzy and I'm not able to really, fully exist in the present moment....but I have to try my hardest because Anna needs me.

I rise to the challenge.  Even when it's difficult and I'm facing uncertainty or stress, I do it. Somehow, I manage to take good care of her and to concentrate on the joy she brings to my life even when the storm clouds gather.

As hard as it can be to focus and to put one foot in front of the other sometimes, Anna demands nothing less. And I have to deliver.

A few months after...starting to heal

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