How to Do Nothing

[No, this post isn't about procrastination, although I do consider myself to be sort of an authority in that field.]

On Monday, Uncle Keith wrote about and shared a link to an interesting article describing the science behind temper tantrums. The idea is that understanding why tantrums really happen will help us figure out a more effective way to handle them.

The consensus reached is that not responding as we instinctively might is the best way to go. In other words, we shouldn't engage, but instead ride it out. We just shouldn't do anything.

But when your child is screaming, stomping his or her feet, and crying....how, exactly, does one do nothing?

Photo from thetoddlertamer.com

Well, deep, cleansing breaths are a good start.

My instinct when Anna is crying is, of course, to comfort her with hugs and soothing words. But good luck getting a writhing, angry, sad, yelling child into your arms. My instinct when she's angry is to try to "reason" with her (yeah, I know, she's 3) or explain the situation to her to calm her down. I also offer incentives to make good choices and remind her to express her anger with words rather than her favorite way, which, currently, is throwing things in protest.

But again, good luck "reasoning" or talking with a child in the throes of a tantrum.

So, we sit back, relax and...enjoy the show?  Not so much.

When I'm at my parenting best, I remain calm, stare impassively at Anna, and ask her, "Are you done yet?" Her reply is either a tearful "yes" while climbing into my arms, or a decisive "NO!!!" accompanied by a renewed fit of hysterics. If the latter, I tell her to let me know when she's done and I either sit there or leave the room.

When I'm at my worst, I yell back in a futile attempt to "explain" the negative consequences that will ensue if the tantrum continues, threatening punishment, or I get frustrated trying to "reason" with her about how this isn't a good way to get what you want. 

What I'm finding, though, is that the reasoning approach only works if I catch her at the beginning of the whining. If that happens, I can usually get her to stop whining and use her words to tell me what she wants. If we're in total freak out mode, though, there's just no use.

This is why you shouldn't give them soda...

So why do we as parents keep doing it, keep explaining and arguing when the science is now demonstrating that we might only make it worse?

I don't know, but if I had to hazard a guess, my hypothesis would be that we as parents are called on to be the consummate problem solvers, the ones with all the answers, the recipients of all the "why" questions - so we get trapped in the rhythm of always explaining, lecturing, whatever.

And that's okay - to a point. The more we explain, the more likely our child will eventually get it - but that won't happen until he or she is old enough to understand and connect the problem that sparks the tantrum, to whatever the solution is, or to connect the tantrum with the consequences that might result from freaking out too much.

The scientists determined that kids are both angry and sad during tantrums, and that to cut down on the duration of them, it's important to get your child past a place of anger to just the sadness so he or she will want to be comforted and then will calm down.

Yay, we're happy again!

That's where the deep breathing - or whatever other coping strategies you may have - kicks in. It's ironic that as your child is at his or her angriest point during the tantrum, you have to turn down your corresponding anger level and be the calm one.

Being the adult is tough, huh?

It's an interesting theory and it makes a lot of sense. My question to you readers is, what are your coping strategies for tantrums, and how have they worked (or not) for you?