See, lately I've been struggling with Parenting Perfectionism. It's capitalized because it is, in fact, a thing. And it's not a good thing.
Don't get me wrong, it's great to want to do the best job possible for your child. In fact, if you didn't want that for him or her, there might be something really wrong with you.
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| Great job! (Playing our ABC game) |
But I am learning that there's a difference between wanting to do the best you can as a parent, and pursuing goals that are unrealistic, which sets you up for failure. And feeling like you're a lousy parent isn't good for you OR your child.
Let me explain. Lately, we've been in the transition phase from day care to kindergarten, from little girl to big girl. It's not easy. There are awesome parts - watching Anna learn new things, watching her ability to think and engage grow by leaps and bounds, watching her step out of her comfort zone to take risks.
But then there are the not-so-great parts. Such as the attitude of defiance that makes you want to scream, the new and unpleasant words and phrases learned from older kids at elementary school, the random grumpiness and refusal to cooperate and do even really simple things....et cetera.
And, if you're like me....well, really, if you're human....those not-so-great parts can really push your buttons.
After my buttons have been pushed, and I have yelled or not reacted right or said not-nice things, such as, "You're lucky we don't spank you like our parents did - we wouldn't have gotten away with saying that to our parents!" ..... then I feel lousy.
If I can't keep my cool, if I can't assert my authority calmly and not budge, I often wind up feeling like a failure. Which isn't good....and it also isn't true. Expressing emotions is natural. And making mistakes now and then is part of life. It doesn't make us failures.
After all, we parents are only human. Modern life, with all its demands, and the seemingly futile quest to balance work, child-rearing, home life, and self-care, is, in a word, stressful. And, like it or not, we tend to take out our stress and frustration on those closest to us, even our children. Sometimes that's not fair. And when I do that, I regret it.
Other times, though, when they see we are at a weak point and deliberately go for the jugular, just because they can and it's fun....then it's totally fair for us to let them know that that upsets us. And it's okay for us to feel angry, as long as it's handled appropriately, and it's okay to punish them. That's how they learn and develop a sense of accountability for their behavior.
But, if all of that is true, why does it feel so bad sometimes?
Is it because we want our children to adore us and hate it when they're angry with us? Is it because we remember how it felt to be punished? Is it because we think everything should be perfect and nobody, us or them, should ever get mad? I don't have the answer to that, but they say (whoever "they" are) that children really do want limits and that that is why they test them all the time. This is an age old song and dance routine, and we have to play our part.
All i know is that I am working on reminding myself that it's okay to punish my daughter when she misbehaves, and it's okay if I'm not always perfect in my interactions with her. Because when it comes down to it, none of us are perfect. That in and of itself can be a lesson that's valuable for them to learn. We all make mistakes, even parents. That's okay, and we (and our kids) can use them as learning opportunities. As long as they are secure in the knowledge that we love them, they'll be okay.
After my buttons have been pushed, and I have yelled or not reacted right or said not-nice things, such as, "You're lucky we don't spank you like our parents did - we wouldn't have gotten away with saying that to our parents!" ..... then I feel lousy.
If I can't keep my cool, if I can't assert my authority calmly and not budge, I often wind up feeling like a failure. Which isn't good....and it also isn't true. Expressing emotions is natural. And making mistakes now and then is part of life. It doesn't make us failures.
After all, we parents are only human. Modern life, with all its demands, and the seemingly futile quest to balance work, child-rearing, home life, and self-care, is, in a word, stressful. And, like it or not, we tend to take out our stress and frustration on those closest to us, even our children. Sometimes that's not fair. And when I do that, I regret it.
Other times, though, when they see we are at a weak point and deliberately go for the jugular, just because they can and it's fun....then it's totally fair for us to let them know that that upsets us. And it's okay for us to feel angry, as long as it's handled appropriately, and it's okay to punish them. That's how they learn and develop a sense of accountability for their behavior.
But, if all of that is true, why does it feel so bad sometimes?
Is it because we want our children to adore us and hate it when they're angry with us? Is it because we remember how it felt to be punished? Is it because we think everything should be perfect and nobody, us or them, should ever get mad? I don't have the answer to that, but they say (whoever "they" are) that children really do want limits and that that is why they test them all the time. This is an age old song and dance routine, and we have to play our part.
All i know is that I am working on reminding myself that it's okay to punish my daughter when she misbehaves, and it's okay if I'm not always perfect in my interactions with her. Because when it comes down to it, none of us are perfect. That in and of itself can be a lesson that's valuable for them to learn. We all make mistakes, even parents. That's okay, and we (and our kids) can use them as learning opportunities. As long as they are secure in the knowledge that we love them, they'll be okay.
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