Today I conclude my series with the immortal words of Diana Ross:
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show....
--"I'm Coming Out"
5. Coming out
I have written before about my struggles of self-acceptance as a gay person, and some of the challenges of my journey. Today, I have a life I never dreamed was possible when I was a frightened 14 year old starting to deal with this issue. Today, we are fortunate to live in a society where acceptance of gay people is more prevalent than ever before, and where we are finally being afforded the legal rights and protections everyone else has.
But when I was younger, the idea of being "out" terrified me. I worked hard to hide my secret relationship. I tried to dress in a more feminine way. I kept my hair long and even got a perm. I dated a boy briefly. I went to ring dance with him as a junior in high school so everyone - including my suspicious parents - would believe that I was "normal." I just wanted to be like everybody else.
 |
| Almost equally unhappy about my personal life AND the awful haircut |
I was afraid that, despite my efforts to stay under the radar, I'd make the wrong gesture or look and somehow give it away, like a modern day Hester Prynne with a big scarlet L on my chest. I thought I was going to hell.
 |
| Photo from "The Scarlet Letter"www.mubi.com |
After a couple of years, when I realized this situation was not going to change and I'd better deal with it, I decided I was not going to tell anyone in my family. Not until I had graduated from college and had a place to live, and maybe not even then. I should've known they wouldn't really kick me out, but my fear-stricken mind envisioned every bad possibility there was.
And of course it would be that way. I had no one to talk to except my girlfriend. There were no friends that I thought would handle it well enough not to freak out... which is probably unfair because so many of them are so wonderfully accepting now. But back then it was all a big unknown, a giant question mark. And I thought that if one person knew, they'd tell another person, and so on - until the whole world knew.
I narrowly escaped discovery on a number of occasions thanks to the vigilance of my girlfriend's crazy mother, who hated me because she just knew. So I had to be extra careful. Sometimes she called my parents to angrily express her concerns about our friendship (which is putting it mildly), or to tell me her caller ID showed calls from our number (which I would vehemently deny) and that I had better stop calling her daughter. Thankfully, she was so volatile that my parents could tell she wasn't quite right and they didn't automatically believe her. But it didn't help any to have that constant cloud of suspicion hanging over my head.
And then came the day I couldn't hold it in anymore. The day all my careful planning came crashing down, as I realized my girlfriend wanted to be with someone else - a guy. And I cried and my mom heard me and I was too upset and exhausted to lie anymore. It was the moment I had dreaded for years - and it didn't quite go like I thought it would. I didn't get to give a well-thought-out, carefully rehearsed speech. I was a wreck, heartbroken and terrified of my parents' reaction, and yet relieved all at the same time. But my mom comforted me. It was better than I thought, in the moment, although it was also hard. I was just about to turn 20. I still lived at home with my parents. There was no escaping this.
A few weeks after the news set in, and I was calmer, the fallout started. My parents had had time to think about the lies I told, the secrets I kept, the reality of what it meant that I had been dating that girl for 5 years. The reality of what this meant for my chances of salvation. The reality of what it meant that I would never get married to a man and have a family and be like everyone else.
There were new issues now. Like how to keep other people from finding out, especially at church. My solution to that was to simply stop going. Like not telling other relatives - so I stopped talking to them as often. I explained to people who asked that I was "too busy" or too focused on my studies to be dating. I knew I would never have a faux boyfriend again, but I also still wanted to hide.
I did manage to tell two friends. And they were okay. I realized what a giant relief it was not to carry this secret all alone anymore. And, full of trepidation, I attended one of my college's Gay Student Union meetings. I felt different even from those people. They had something I didn't - the confidence and happiness that comes with self-acceptance. They called it PRIDE.
Thankfully, those tentative first few steps began my own journey to pride. I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I started to dress and look the way I wanted to. Eventually I cut my hair short, which I had been afraid to do for a number of years. I went to my college's "gay prom" and took a leadership role in the organization during my senior year. I began to research and read and learn about the history of the gay rights movement in this country and about historical figures who were gay.
I also read books and articles by religious scholars and leaders and began attending a gay church called the Metropolitan Community Church. It was a melting pot of mostly Protestant church members who had been ostracized or kicked out of their churches or were just uncomfortable in mainstream churches. It was a really good ministry for people who had received the message that they were undeserving of God's love. I realized that perhaps not everything was as black and white as I had thought. Perhaps I had been born this way. Perhaps God still loved me! Perhaps it wasn't God who would hate me or turn me away - maybe it was just misguided fellow human beings.
One day my parents told me that they believed I was born gay because nobody would choose this life. I think I shocked them by replying that I would. Has it been easy? No. Will I still face challenges in the future? Maybe. But, as I told them, facing this issue in my own life has undoubtedly made me a more compassionate and empathetic person than I would have been otherwise. I know what it feels like to be an "other," not to be part of the majority. That has affected everything from my spiritual beliefs to my political views to my attitude toward other people. Now I see the world through a different, more tolerant lens, and I like it. Being gay has brought some amazing people into my life, who have become some of my closest friends and family. That sounds to me like a huge blessing, not a curse.
And I got married and had a family after all. Happy endings are possible for everyone!
There were new issues now. Like how to keep other people from finding out, especially at church. My solution to that was to simply stop going. Like not telling other relatives - so I stopped talking to them as often. I explained to people who asked that I was "too busy" or too focused on my studies to be dating. I knew I would never have a faux boyfriend again, but I also still wanted to hide.
I did manage to tell two friends. And they were okay. I realized what a giant relief it was not to carry this secret all alone anymore. And, full of trepidation, I attended one of my college's Gay Student Union meetings. I felt different even from those people. They had something I didn't - the confidence and happiness that comes with self-acceptance. They called it PRIDE.
 |
| Photo from blogs.volunteermatch.org |
Thankfully, those tentative first few steps began my own journey to pride. I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I started to dress and look the way I wanted to. Eventually I cut my hair short, which I had been afraid to do for a number of years. I went to my college's "gay prom" and took a leadership role in the organization during my senior year. I began to research and read and learn about the history of the gay rights movement in this country and about historical figures who were gay.
I also read books and articles by religious scholars and leaders and began attending a gay church called the Metropolitan Community Church. It was a melting pot of mostly Protestant church members who had been ostracized or kicked out of their churches or were just uncomfortable in mainstream churches. It was a really good ministry for people who had received the message that they were undeserving of God's love. I realized that perhaps not everything was as black and white as I had thought. Perhaps I had been born this way. Perhaps God still loved me! Perhaps it wasn't God who would hate me or turn me away - maybe it was just misguided fellow human beings.
One day my parents told me that they believed I was born gay because nobody would choose this life. I think I shocked them by replying that I would. Has it been easy? No. Will I still face challenges in the future? Maybe. But, as I told them, facing this issue in my own life has undoubtedly made me a more compassionate and empathetic person than I would have been otherwise. I know what it feels like to be an "other," not to be part of the majority. That has affected everything from my spiritual beliefs to my political views to my attitude toward other people. Now I see the world through a different, more tolerant lens, and I like it. Being gay has brought some amazing people into my life, who have become some of my closest friends and family. That sounds to me like a huge blessing, not a curse.
And I got married and had a family after all. Happy endings are possible for everyone!
There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live...
The time has come for me
To break out of this shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out
--I'm Coming Out, Diana Ross
No comments:
Post a Comment