My Kid, the Lawyer

Often, parents say they would like to see their children follow in their footsteps in terms of career choices. Whether it's continuing a lineage of public service, running the store that's been in the family for generations or joining the military, some people fervently wish for their kids to take the same path they did.

Well, not me.

See, my kid is already on the same path I chose.  I'm a lawyer.  When I was a child, my parents said I should be a lawyer....but I don't believe they meant it as a compliment.  They meant I was argumentative and wouldn't give up.  I suppose they thought those attributes made for a good lawyer, but one heck of an obnoxious kid.

I wanted to give orders, not take them!

So here comes karma back around to get me.  My daughter has those same qualities, and then some.  But not only is she good at pleading her case, she's also good at attempting to force negotiations.  Here's an example I call "the flip":

Mom:  "Anna, you can only have dessert if you eat your vegetables."
Anna:  "Well, if you let me have dessert, then I will eat them."

Or better yet:

Mom: "Anna, if you get in your jammies and brush your teeth quickly, you'll have time to watch one show."
Anna:  "If you let me watch the show first, then I'll get in my jammies and brush my teeth right after."

This doesn't work for me, even though the counteroffers are always followed by a charming smile.

And then comes the closing argument, as we are leaving aftercare one day.  Or maybe it was more like a cross-examination:

Mom:  "Anna, you need to put your shoes on before we can go home. It's cold outside."
Anna:  "No! You can carry me so I won't walk on the ground."
Mom:  "It's still too cold to be outside without shoes and socks."
Anna: "I hate wearing socks and shoes!"
Mom: "Well, I need to go home to cook dinner. So you can give me the socks and just put your shoes on.  But if you can't listen, I will have to take Beary."

She doesn't listen.  I temporarily take away Beary.

Anna:  "GIVE ME BACK MY BEAR!"
Mom:  "What do you need to do to get back your bear?"
Anna:  "Give him to me and I will!"
Mom: "No, you put your shoes on and then you can have your bear back. If this keeps up, though, you won't get him back until tomorrow morning."
Anna [throwing herself on the floor and writhing around]:  "But he's the best bear ever and I love him!"
Mom:  "Then put your shoes on.  If you had listened, you'd have him back by now."
Anna: "Beary doesn't like you anymore."
Mom: "I don't care.  Put your shoes on."
Anna:  "Beary is mad at you."
Mom:  "That's a shame. I figured he'd be mad at you for not doing what you need to do to get him back."
Anna:  "PLEEEEEEASE, he's my special bear and I love him, more than any kid has ever loved a bear!"

You get the picture. I can see the jury being riveted by this display of melodrama.  But I didn't budge. She eventually put on her shoes and subsequently got her bear back.

The above interaction probably lasted a good 10 or 15 minutes. What I don't get is, if she's so smart, why doesn't she realize that if she just put on her shoes she wouldn't have lost Beary in the first place?  ..... I know, I know, she's 5 and not yet capable of that kind of reasoning - even if it often seems like she is.

How did it get this way? I wondered.  I'm sure part of it is her stubborn nature and refusal to give up - both qualities that can serve one well later in life, but make for a sometimes obnoxious little one.  And my mother is probably out there laughing at this generational turning of the tables.

Who is more stubborn, the child or the donkey? That's a tough one....

But this behavior is also a product of the negotiating many parents do with our kids every day.  Many parenting "experts" will tell you to avoid battles with your kids over silly things, like what shirt they will wear, by giving them choices, like the blue shirt or the red shirt.  You set the parameters by picking what their choices are, but they ultimately decide what shirt to wear and it is empowering for them.  It's one small thing they can control in a world where they have hardly any say in what goes on. This way, ideally, there would be no arguments, and your time and sanity would be saved.

This made a lot of sense to me when Anna was younger, and made a lot of things go more smoothly - eating, getting dressed, choosing a game or a show, and the list goes on.  Which is all well and good.....until you start telling them what they have to do to get the result they want - i.e., eating veggies to get dessert. Your empowered kids, who are used to making decisions for themselves, then tell you what they will do rather than listening to your directive.

In essence, you have given them a choice - eat dinner or no dessert. So then they want to flip that around on you and offer to do what you want, but only if they get what they want first.

Sometimes these battles are quickly resolved, but other times the kids do their best to wear you down until you, hypothetically, tell them they don't have to wear socks but they do have to wear shoes.  They know you've worked all day and you're tired.  And if you back down often, they know if they just keep wearing you down, eventually you will compromise or maybe even cave in altogether, and they'll win their little war of attrition.

In the end, I have no one to blame but myself. I taught my kid that she can make choices.  She can't yet reason that she gets to make choices about some things, but not others. It's a choice whether to do gymnastics or karate, whether to wear the blue or the red shirt, whether to get the stuffed animal or the game, but not both, when it's time to pick a toy.  Eating vegetables, wearing shoes when it's 30 degrees outside, getting ready for bed on time.....these, however, are not choices.

How do we make them see the difference?

The balance of power does not always favor you, kiddo!

As is the case with so many things, I don't have the answer to this question. What worked well when she was younger has made things more difficult now.  All I know is that somehow my professional training may have seeped into my parenting, and my child is becoming a master negotiator - sometimes better than her mom.  And now it's my job to undo that pattern - to whatever extent is possible - by making her understand she cannot always decide whether to do what she is told and that consequences will follow if she makes a bad choice.

Which is why I dug in about the shoes. I've already shown her that eventually, I often cave or compromise. If I keep doing that, even about silly things, I will never get her to respect what I say and do as she is told. So I won the shoe/ bear battle, but I think she's still ahead in the war. For now, that is. But I have a ways to go.

Would Anna be a good lawyer some day? Undoubtedly yes.  But I hope it can wait another 15 or 20 years!