A Love Letter to Your Child

Today I want to share with you a wonderful post from the blog Momastery, which is now one of my favorite blogs. It contains one of the most beautiful, heartfelt expressions of love for one's child that I have ever read. Another blogger pointed me to it after I wrote the heated post, "We're Not Just Your Punching Bag." It was something I really needed to read.

The message is simple: love one another. The Bible says it. Cher says it. Countless other people have said it. But unless you really walk the walk and actually love your neighbors as yourselves without judging them, the words are hollow. The message is nothing without the application of its meaning.

Photo from readingacts.wordpress.com

In the post, "A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On," the blogger explains that we shouldn't just tolerate each others' differences - we should also embrace and celebrate them. She wrote this in the context of bullying because people who are "different" for whatever reason are often the recipients of abuse and mistreatment. She then noted that sometimes, we try to address the problem by treating the symptoms, but not the root cause.

We need to remember that bullies are made, not born. They learn to be bullies by watching others - usually their parents and relatives - because bullying doesn't stop when you graduate from school.  The context just changes. The writer describes it as "trickle-down cruelty." And it is.

She also discusses why overly simplified interpretations of the Bible cause problems and cause people to stray from the actual, intended message of love. The words within should not be used as weapons, but all too often, they are.

Finally, she writes a letter to her young son, Chase, expressing her unconditional love for him and explaining her concept of love as a Christian and as a human being.  One of my favorite excerpts is: "If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, is Divine."

That is simply beautiful. And true.

Chase's mom doesn't know who he will turn out to be. I don't know who Anna will turn out to be either.  But there is nothing that Anna could ever do, nothing, that would make me stop loving her or love her "in spite of" certain traits or anything like that. I have never believed in such limitations on love for your child. I want only to celebrate the special little person she is today, and the woman she will one day become. And I want her to know that.

Besides, if every parent showed his or her child the unconditional love that resonates throughout the letter to Chase, there would be far fewer screwed up kids out there. If every parent wrote a letter like the letter to Chase, and actually lived out the words and practiced the love, what kind of difference might that make in their children's lives?

It's important to show your emotional availability and support and love so that your child won't have to seek it blindly, not knowing what the result will be. It's important so that they won't have to be the one to write a letter to you someday because distance and fear have filled the gap between you where love should be. So they won't have to write a letter to you like Michael Tolliver's "Letter to Mama."

This letter comes from Armistead Maupin's classic novel, More Tales of the City, set in 1970s San Francisco.  One of the protagonists writes a coming out letter to his parents after learning they have joined an anti-gay crusade spearheaded by Anita Bryant. This too is a beautiful, moving letter, which perfectly expresses how I feel about the direction my life has taken and my gratitude for the many blessings it has brought my way - especially my spirit of compassion and my family of choice. As Michael puts it:

"Being gay has taught me tolerance, compassion and humility.  It has shown me the limitless possibilities of living. It has given me people whose passion and kindness and sensitivity have provided a constant source of strength. It has brought me into the family of man, Mama, and I like it here. I like it."

Michael and friend Mona, as depicted in the TV miniseries, Tales of the City

But what's sad is that Michael had to write it in the first place - that any child should have to seek support from her parents that should already have been given, that any child should have to explain something so basic and fear the disapproval of his parents about who he turns out to be. And we're not just talking about being gay here. There are other issues - religion, choice of spouse, even politics - that come to mind that may elicit parental disapproval.

Now, I'm not saying we have to love everything our kids do or approve of every choice they make. But what we DO have to do is raise them so that they develop the skills to make good choices, and so that they know that, no matter what, they can always fall back on our love and support because we love them for who they are, regardless of what they may do.

I hope you will take the challenge to write your own child a letter expressing your unconditional love for and pride in him or her. I'm going to do it. You may not show it to her for years. None of your fears may ever come true. He may not read it until someday after you are gone. You may need to read and re-read it more than anyone through the trials and tests of the growing-up years. But regardless, you and your child will be reminded of the bond you share, the bond that can never be broken.

And that is something to celebrate.