The Outsiders

"As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving

And the rose buds know to bloom in early May

Just as hate knows love's the cure

You can rest your mind assure

That I'll be loving you always."

--- "As,"  Stevie Wonder

It happened again this weekend.

I went to a wedding with Heidi. It was a beautiful wedding, and we enjoyed having the time together with other couples to just relax and hang out at the reception.

 But nagging in the back of my mind was that feeling again:  frustration.  Inferiority.  Longing. Sadness.  Okay, those are several feelings.  They’re all part of the same package, though…..they all creep up on me together whenever it hits me that we can’t have a special day like this one. Not yet, anyway. When will it be our turn?

Will we ever get married?

"Always a bridesmaid"....at our friends' wedding reception, Aug. 2006

Of course, we could get “married,” by having a commitment ceremony.  We could replicate all of the aspects of a typical wedding and celebrate with our friends, and we’ve seriously considered that over the years.  I gave Heidi an engagement ring years ago – and for some crazy reason, when I asked her to marry me, she said yes! 

But the primary piece of the puzzle – the legal tie that really binds – would be missing. 

If we wanted to, we could get legally married in another state – but that would have no effect whatsoever here at home.  Or we could be “civilly united” – how romantic!  Is there a registry for that?!

When I last discussed this topic, in the “Moon and New York City” and “Brad and Angelina” posts, I wrote about it from the point of view of the most important person: a child. I wanted to analyze the intangible effects on children of their parents being unable to get married. I wanted to offer some perspective for those who haven’t thought about it from the child’s point of view before, because that’s very important – far more important than the goals and dreams of two adults.

Today, however, I’m just me. Just a person, in love with another person, sitting here and letting these feelings wash over me.  Certainly having a child brings a new level of depth to the feeling that I want our family to have what everyone else does, but taking that away, I still feel like something is missing in my life.

Newly in love:  on our balcony, summer 2005

I imagine most people who look around wistfully at a wedding reception are either recalling their own wedding or envisioning what their wedding may someday look like. “I can’t wait to get married!” exclaimed a cute young boy sitting behind us at the wedding.  He must’ve been 10 years old.

I think everyone has that dream, even those who would never admit it or who swear they would never get married.  I am willing to bet that pretty much everyone has thought at least once about what their wedding day might be like if and when they meet the right person. 

For me, though, what’s unique is that I already found my special someone. I found the person who completes me, the person I can’t imagine being without, the person I want to grow old with….and I have thought about what our wedding day may be like, how joyous it would be.  But, unlike most people, I can’t make it a reality. Not until I jump through ridiculous hoops, anyway.

At another friend's wedding, Aug. 2007

When the most recent effort at marriage equality failed in my home state, I wrote about it in a short opinion piece entitled “Marriage Is a Country Club.”  I couldn’t think of a better way to describe it. I feel like I’m always in everyone else’s world, so for a moment, please indulge me, and step into my world.

Imagine how you’d feel if someone told you that you couldn’t marry the person you love.  If they told you that before you could get married, voters in your state – people you’ve never met, people who have no stake whatsoever in your personal happiness – would have to approve.  If they told you that you couldn’t get married because if you did, then everyone would start doing it – you know, like dogs and cats, brothers and sisters, even groups of people. Am I kidding, you may wonder?

Nope, I’m dead serious.

These are exactly the kinds of indignities and downright attacks we’ve had to endure when the subject of our potential marriage comes up.  What if YOU had to feel this way, to listen to ridiculous hyperbole, to be insulted in front of everyone?  What if people thought that if you got married, civilization as we know it would end? What if, in addition to asking your boyfriend or girlfriend if they will marry you, and, if you’re a traditionalist, asking the person’s parents’ permission….you had to gather signatures from strangers and call them and knock on doors and beg to have people say, “Sure, go ahead”...?

Or, what if one of your children had to do all those things to achieve what almost everyone else can accomplish so easily?

Think about it, just for a minute.  Unfortunately, I have to think about it a lot. When we see wedding photos, when the Muppets sing “Somebody’s Getting Married” in The Muppets Take Manhattan, when we see people who’ve known each other for a few weeks on The Bachelor getting engaged….you get the idea. Marriage is everywhere!

The irony of all this hit home recently when Heidi performed her first wedding – now, instead of just being a wedding guest, she was actually the officiant.  She was applying the law to others that does not apply to us. And while it undoubtedly was an honor for her to marry our dear friends, just like it is a joy for us to be able to attend friends’ weddings and to share in their happiness for one special day, it also makes us pause and think, when will it be our turn?

Happy couple, May 2006

Will we live to see the day?  Hopefully.  Will Anna be married herself before we are? I hope and pray not. I also hope I’ve made you think, not just what it feels like for children, but what it feels like for your friends, neighbors, and maybe even relatives to be shut out of one of the most meaningful parts of adult life. And all for something they can’t help.  After all, can any of us help who we love?

What would YOU do?