Having a child turns the instant gratification mentality upside down. In the past, I often wondered whether I’d be a suitable parent, given my general impatience and my need for order and cleanliness (if you haven’t already, check out “Moms in the Trenches” for more on that subject). I think Heidi had the same concerns, because I am driven and anal and particular about minutia almost as much as I am about what really matters – sad but true.
Of course, we never even got to serious consideration of whether to have a child together before that September day when a certain little fuzzy-haired baby snuck into my heart and took it over completely without warning.
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| Sleepy 1st Month, Oct. 2008 |
Heidi had been through this before. But I didn’t have time to process and accept the fact that everything would change.….. that it wouldn’t be all about me anymore, that I would cede a huge amount of control over my daily routine, that I would have to be able to relax and just go with the flow – something that was always hard for me, given that I wanted to direct the flow – that I would become a teacher of the most important lessons there are, with a completely unpredictable pupil. But when she came home to us, I just did it, without thinking.
It’s funny how life presents you with the learning opportunities you need, even when you didn’t seek them!
It’s even funnier how quickly you learn by necessity, without even putting conscious effort into it. Perhaps it’s our survival instinct taking over, or perhaps it’s just that having a totally dependent little being looking up at you forces you to just DO, without intellectualizing anything.
Apparently, someone up there knew I needed a serious crash-course in Patience 101. It’s not like I didn’t know that, but I didn’t know it would take being a parent to finally get it. What’s incredible about the experience for me is that it began as a reflex-like response.
In the early days of parenting, it seemed as if an invisible autopilot mode kicked in to transport me to a place of peace from which I could handle more than I had ever thought was possible. Of course, the fact that she’s irresistibly cute helps a lot!
It’s funny how life presents you with the learning opportunities you need, even when you didn’t seek them!
It’s even funnier how quickly you learn by necessity, without even putting conscious effort into it. Perhaps it’s our survival instinct taking over, or perhaps it’s just that having a totally dependent little being looking up at you forces you to just DO, without intellectualizing anything.
Apparently, someone up there knew I needed a serious crash-course in Patience 101. It’s not like I didn’t know that, but I didn’t know it would take being a parent to finally get it. What’s incredible about the experience for me is that it began as a reflex-like response.
In the early days of parenting, it seemed as if an invisible autopilot mode kicked in to transport me to a place of peace from which I could handle more than I had ever thought was possible. Of course, the fact that she’s irresistibly cute helps a lot!
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| Chubby Cheeks! Nov. 2008 |
It seems almost miraculous for someone who gets irritated when waiting for just about anything to calmly sit through a raging temper tantrum asking, “Are you done yet?” occasionally until it’s over. But I do that about 95% of the time. Sure, there are episodes that are just off the chart and I can’t help but show frustration, or I need to step back and take a break for a few.
Mostly, though, I can deal because I know it won’t last long. Before long, she says, “Hold me” and I know it’s all good again.
However, everyone has an Achilles heel, and mine is physical misbehavior. When Anna hits or kicks or bites or head-butts me, it’s incredibly aggravating to say the least. The old adage about patience constantly reemerges in my head now that we’re deep into the “terrible 2s”…in other words, now that it gradually takes greater effort to retain a patient attitude.
When she was younger, it seemed so easy to keep my cool. But as Anna gets more sophisticated, and so do the issues we face, patience is less reflex and more active practice. I need to have the kind of conversations with myself that make me feel a little crazy, but are nevertheless effective at helping me remain calm. Fortunately, most of them are in private, so strangers don’t see me talking to myself and think I’m a little nuts.
I remind myself that this is only natural – kids are designed to push our buttons, to test limits every way they can. The irony is, they’re testing the limits of what they can get away with, but a byproduct of this is that they test our limits as people too.
My parents have always said that “God never gives you anything you can’t handle.” My response to that has often been that he may be a little overconfident! Still, I come back to that when I’m frustrated or it’s harder than it used to be to keep myself calm, cool and collected in the face of toddler mutiny.
I wish my fuse wasn’t shortening now that parenting is a little more challenging, but I suppose that’s only natural. At least I am cognizant of the fact that it takes a little more effort, and a few more deep breaths, to stay cool when I feel like I’m under fire. I’m sure over time it will feel more natural again. Until then, I will try to find coping mechanisms that help. At least I’m proud of how far I’ve come since those pre-child days!
Mostly, though, I can deal because I know it won’t last long. Before long, she says, “Hold me” and I know it’s all good again.
However, everyone has an Achilles heel, and mine is physical misbehavior. When Anna hits or kicks or bites or head-butts me, it’s incredibly aggravating to say the least. The old adage about patience constantly reemerges in my head now that we’re deep into the “terrible 2s”…in other words, now that it gradually takes greater effort to retain a patient attitude.
When she was younger, it seemed so easy to keep my cool. But as Anna gets more sophisticated, and so do the issues we face, patience is less reflex and more active practice. I need to have the kind of conversations with myself that make me feel a little crazy, but are nevertheless effective at helping me remain calm. Fortunately, most of them are in private, so strangers don’t see me talking to myself and think I’m a little nuts.
I remind myself that this is only natural – kids are designed to push our buttons, to test limits every way they can. The irony is, they’re testing the limits of what they can get away with, but a byproduct of this is that they test our limits as people too.
My parents have always said that “God never gives you anything you can’t handle.” My response to that has often been that he may be a little overconfident! Still, I come back to that when I’m frustrated or it’s harder than it used to be to keep myself calm, cool and collected in the face of toddler mutiny.
I wish my fuse wasn’t shortening now that parenting is a little more challenging, but I suppose that’s only natural. At least I am cognizant of the fact that it takes a little more effort, and a few more deep breaths, to stay cool when I feel like I’m under fire. I’m sure over time it will feel more natural again. Until then, I will try to find coping mechanisms that help. At least I’m proud of how far I’ve come since those pre-child days!
What are some of your strategies for staying calm as your kids age and challenge you more?
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