Even Supermoms Have Limits

So, out of concern that perhaps you won’t “listen” to me anymore if I keep talking about listening, I will make this my last post in this vein (for now, anyway).  And I’ll work on the bad jokes too.

Writing about listening to our limits yesterday, and realizing how little I listen to mine, made me realize that acknowledging our limits doesn’t always mean saying “no.”

Sometimes, it means saying YES.

From elleelleeye.blogspot.com

 How many of you moms out there have regularly scheduled “me” time or time with friends?  What’s that?  

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Not many, huh?

I’m sure there are some moms who are fortunate enough to have the time, money, and/or support at home to make regular alone time or time with friends a priority. Maybe those people even have a set night of the week or month on which they can have dinner with friends, go to a book club, or have some other kid-free fun or relaxation time.

But I don’t know too many….and I’m sure not one of them myself. Instead, I cook, I work, I clean, I take care of Anna and the house and often the pets....and I crash from exhaustion until I have to wake up and do it all again. There's no time for anything else. I try to be "supermom."  Inevitably, it doesn't always work.

I'm not saying this is me; I just thought it was hilarious! (By desiglitters.com)

What this says to me is that sometimes, we as parents need to be more assertive about our needs.  We spend so much time necessarily focusing on our children’s needs that our own needs are ignored. Part of that just comes with the parenting territory…but we can’t ignore our needs entirely and still stay healthy enough to be the best parents possible.

So, we need it to be okay that, instead of turning down invitations to do things, we say YES. We need to feel free to ask for the time and space we need to rejuvenate so we can be better, happier people….and better, happier moms.

This will only benefit our kids, and our partners too, because we’ll be more relaxed and ready to take care of our loved ones, and do it well, if we have taken care of ourselves too.

And this goes for you dads too – I know there are many fathers out there who are their children’s primary caregivers.  Although I liked the “supermom” title, because I feel that sometimes, that is the expectation, this applies equally to dads and moms. Whoever is the primary caregiver needs the occasional break, period.

 Hopefully we have supportive partners or relatives who can help us achieve a better balance in our lives.  If we just ask, maybe it will be easier to get that support than we expected.  What’s harder is giving ourselves permission to go have fun.

Last Friday night, I met a couple of friends for happy hour while Heidi stayed home with Anna. I truly do not remember the last time I was out on a Friday night. Leading up to it, I didn’t really know what to do with myself, knowing I was going to have a bit of social time. 

Mama T out with Uncle Keith, Feb. 2011 - probably the last time I went out!

Right before I leave, on these rare occasions, I feel a twinge of guilt because I know Anna gets upset when I go. And heck, most of the time I’d honestly rather be with her anyway! But the older she gets, and the more challenging things become, the more I need to force myself to take a “time out” and catch my breath, whether that means seeing friends or just relaxing alone.

Normally, when I am able to get out with friends, I check my watch a lot to see if my self-imposed “curfew” has come. I check my phone a lot to see if I have any texts about how restless Anna is getting waiting for me to come back.

But this time, I was more relaxed. I was able to be present in the moment and just enjoy talking with my friends.  And, amazingly enough, I didn’t get any such texts! Anna enjoyed some quality time with Mama Heidi, I had a nice chat with my friends, and I still returned home in time to put Anna to bed. You can’t beat that!

I didn’t realize until I got it how much I really needed some time with friends. Adult conversation is one thing that certainly is lacking in my life!  What’s hard is making this a regular part of my life.

Any “me” time feels selfish because we’re so used to putting our kids’ needs first, always.  But if we don’t get some of that time, we get more stressed. We don’t unwind. And sooner or later, that frustration builds up and we inevitably take it out on our partners or our kids. I really don’t want to do that, and I’m sure you don’t either.

One way to help yourself feel better about the time away from your little one is to think about what’s in it for him or her.  The perks for you are obvious, but a little respite may be good for your kid too.  After all, the primary caregiver tends to be the child’s favorite person, but the flip side of that is that he or she is also the person that the child clashes with the most in her struggle for independence. 

The more you’re around your child, the more you will become the target of his frustration as he tests limits, or of her temper tantrums when you say no. This, in turn, will cause you to need some down time to regroup, and it’s also good to take turns with your partner in the disciplinarian role so that one of you doesn’t become the proverbial “bad guy.”

Anyway, the benefits of a break for your child go beyond just having a happier, less stressed parent.  Grown-up time gives our kids the chance to break out of the ordinary routine now and then.   Most of the time, routine is key, but occasionally, it’s fun to do something different. Maybe they can have play time with a friend they haven’t seen for awhile. Maybe they can enjoy special time with the parent they don’t see as much – that’s an important relationship too.

Anna with Mama Heidi, Dec. 2010

In our case, it was good for Anna to have that extra time with Heidi. She works longer hours than I do, and while she is active in caring for Anna, they don’t get as much real quality time together as Anna and I do.  What I’ve noticed in the days since my outing is that Anna has asked for Heidi more than usual, has sought cuddle time with Heidi in the evenings before I put her to bed, and has generally been more affectionate with her. After all, Mama Heidi is Anna’s mom too, and their time together is special.

So my most recent outing was not nearly as traumatic as usual for Anna or for me. And when I got home, I heard the familiar yell, “Mommy!!!!” and heard the pitter patter of little feet racing toward me. I felt those little arms grab me in a big bear hug and I felt happy to be home. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and we were both glad to see each other for nighty-night time.

Soooo happy to see you!!

I encourage all of you who take on the weight of the world and try to do it all as parents, partners and workers, to take a brief break from all you do, and to step back and think about what you need. Is it time with friends?  Is it a date night with your partner? (I need that too, but what's a whole other topic!) Is it time alone to shop or read or nap?  Is it a regular yoga or exercise class?

Whatever it is, give yourself permission to do it. And then ask whomever you need to help you to do just that.  You may be surprised at how easy it is to get what you need. But first you have to seek it. So, go do that!  And, most of all, have fun.