The Power of Words

"Do as I say."  "Are you listening to me?"  "Pay attention!" "Watch your mouth!"

The power of words is undeniable.  They open doors for us, and sometimes close them too. They are our way of reaching out to others and connecting with them.  Whether we use that power for good, or not-so-good, is up to us.

But nobody is more deeply affected by our words, for better or for worse, than our children.

Take a moment and study that photo. It's one of the most powerful images I've seen in a long time, and it inspired me to write this post.

People often say that actions speak louder than words, and frequently, that's true. I discussed this just last week in the context of imparting spiritual beliefs to our kids. I noted that what we do, how we employ those beliefs in our daily lives, is often more important than what we say about our beliefs.  I'm sure this is true in other contexts too.

For example, consider romantic relationships.  When you've loved the same person for a long time, you've probably told them that you love them countless times.  Heidi used to tease me for saying it to her so much, but it's just something that's second nature for me. After all, I still have a sweet Southern side...it's in there somewhere....

Nov. 2010

Even after six and a half years together, I still like to make sure I say "I love you" and kiss her goodbye before I leave each day, as rushed as my departure usually is.  After all, you never know what will happen.  Undeniably, it's important to communicate well with our partners and to let them know how we're feeling.  But what has more impact in a long-term relationship:  the same words you always say, or the bouquet of flowers you bring home out of nowhere to surprise your loved one?

This is another example of our actions making more of an impression than our words.  Because this is often true, we may tend to forget about what we're saying, or fail to notice our tone of voice when we talk to our loved ones.  So, we (I) sometimes need a reminder to think about how I am phrasing things, and how I sound when I say them.

This is especially true when talking to children.  When our kids are young, they are absorbing everything we say and do. Both our actions and our words are important.  Having thought about this for a few days, though, I actually think it is our words that are most powerful during those early years.

Our children learn a good deal of vocabulary from us. They also emulate the things we say and the way we say them. This is why both Heidi and I have made a concerted effort to watch our language around Anna. Inevitably, there are slip-ups, but we don't want her learning bad words and then repeating them at school. Or even not nice words, like when I got upset with Emmett for chewing up something and said, "Stupid dog!" which Anna immediately repeated a bunch of times, laughing.  That was a "face palm" moment and I regretted it.  But nobody is perfect!

However, the power of words runs way deeper than that.  Our kids look up to us. They usually can tell just by the way we sound whether we are happy, sad, frustrated, annoyed, whatever. And sometimes, because they are still grappling with understanding their emotions, they think we're feeling a way that maybe we aren't, just based on our tone.

For instance, Anna has said to me, "I'm sorry you're angry about dinner" (or something similar) when I'm not feeling angry at all. I may be rushing around like a mad woman, multi-tasking, or feeling slightly frustrated, but it's a far cry from anger.  Nevertheless, she reads into my stress that I am angry. I always try to correct that impression immediately so she doesn't misunderstand and think I'm angry with her.

She also points to characters in books that aren't smiling and asks why they are angry. I then explain that perhaps they're not really angry; maybe they're just serious, or thinking about something, or tired. Whatever I say, though, she tends to see things in black and white at this age, which makes perfect sense.

Pensive and sleepy, but not angry!  Oct. 2011

That's important to keep in mind when we talk to our kids.  Even if we're not saying the awful things depicted above in the picture, our tone goes hand in hand with our words. We don't want our children to think we're upset or frustrated with them because they read things into our words that we don't intend to be there.

And, God forbid we do ever say any of the things listed above.....wow. I don't even know where to begin. I would feel terrible forever if I said something mean or insulting that made Anna cry. I would never do that. But many kids do hear these words. They are called dumb, or stupid, or worthless. Their parents say, "Can't you do anything right?!" ..... and what they may not realize is that those horrible messages last way longer than any bruise. They leave indelible marks on a child's mind and soul. (See my post, "The Wrong Signals," for more on the messages we may be sending to our kids.)

Some parents may not feel they are abusive because they don't hit their kids.  But they are undoubtedly burying their heads in the sand. Emotional abuse, or verbal abuse, is just as bad as physical abuse, if not worse.

The messages of inferiority that verbal abuse imparts to kids stay with them for years - sometimes, forever. Our treatment of our kids shapes their self-esteem and the way they go about their daily lives.  Why try if your dad thinks you're stupid and you can't do it?  If your mom says you can't even clean up after yourself the right way at home, why try out for the baseball team?  You'll never be able to do that! .... Then those words become self-fulfulling prophecies because those kids know they are expected to fail.

They will start to believe they can't do anything right. Think about how many positive messages it would take, and how much time, to overcome that one negative message.

That is simply heartbreaking.

I know that the vast majority of you would never say such derogatory, cruel things to your children. But I think everyone, myself included, can sometimes use the reminders that our kids are hearing everything we say and how we say it; that it's not only what we do that matters; that they will emulate us; that they will develop self-esteem based in large part on what we say to them and how we treat them; and that if our tone doesn't match our words, they will pick up on it.

The last thing I would want to do is send the wrong messages to Anna, or to have her misunderstand what I am saying.  Obviously, nobody gets it perfectly right all the time. Still, I am trying hard to listen to myself, and if I catch myself sounding more upset than I am, or more frustrated, to take a step back, take a deep breath and use a better tone.

So much is riding on our words.....like our child's self-image, his feelings, her future. We hold those things in the palms of our hands.  We need to use our words wisely.