It's Unconditional

Blogger’s Note:  This post is written in honor of National Coming Out Day..... for all who have found the courage to live openly and honestly, for all those who are still struggling with that decision, and for those whose families have let them down. You are not alone. It does get better.

Unconditional love. We feel it with our kids. Maybe we feel it with our pets. Hopefully we feel it with our other loved ones and friends too……

……Until we don’t.  Sometimes we have a falling out, a difference of opinion that just feels too hard to handle, and we just stop talking. Or our loved one does something that bothers us so much we can’t feel the same way about them, no matter how hard we try.

It’s always sad when this happens. Unfortunately, though, these cycles are a part of life. 

But one thing they should never be is a barrier between us and our kids.

 
I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything my kids could do that would make me love them any less.  Sadly, not all parents feel that way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should automatically approve of all of our kids’ choices just because we’re their parents. We may not like something they decide to do. We may really hate it. But in the end, they’re still our kids and we should still love them just the same.

It’s hard for me to write about this from any perspective other than my own, although doing that is hard. But I’m always advocating honesty, so here it goes. The big sticking point in my relationship with my parents always has been my sexuality. I was so very scared of them finding out and loving me less…or worse, not wanting me around. 

Looking back on it, my fears of rejection mostly stemmed from my own self-hatred, confusion and anger. I didn’t want to be “different.” I thought I was the only one. I wanted to be able to bring someone special home for the holidays. I wanted to be good. I wanted to go to Heaven.

Mama T, through the years

I also knew that my parents were very conservative Christians and I thought, at the time, that the Bible said I was sinning. That was a big part of the fear too. I knew my parents thought such behavior was “unhealthy.” And, carrying around such a potentially damning secret, I simply didn’t know where to turn.

But that’s the past. Now, I am living honestly and openly and I feel free. And for all the costs of my journey, that freedom is absolutely priceless.

My parents and I have come a long way in the 14 years since I came out. We’ve hugged and cried and thought and argued and talked and talked .... and finally, over the years, we’ve come to a place of mutual love and respect that allows us to have a good relationship.

Will we ever truly see eye to eye on this issue?  I can hope….but probably not. 

Of course, I wish my parents and I could talk a little more openly, and could be a little more comfortable when we do talk about things related to this issue. After all, “sexuality” isn’t just that – it impacts every facet of my life, from my day to day home life, to my career choices, to my financial issues, to my decisions about where and how to live – it’s not a choice, it’s part of ME, so it’s part of everything in my life.

That’s why it’s so hard to stay “in the closet.”  How can you get to know your family and friends in a meaningful way if you can’t talk to them about what your life is like, if your only discussions are confined to the weather and other boring surface stuff, if you have to try hard not to say “we” and to use neutral pronouns and to be afraid of slipping up, if you have to tell lie upon lie?

National Coming Out Day logo by Keith Haring

This is something for those of you who have gay or questioning kids to remember. We’re not just talking about sex. In fact, we may not go there at all. I don’t know about you, but that’s NOT something I have ever wanted to discuss with my parents.

Instead, we’re talking about major areas of life, and if you can’t discuss them with your kids, then you won’t truly know them – not really.  We are so much more than our physical attractions. How would you feel if everyone reduced your life and all its complexities to your base physical acts? It’s insulting. 

I suppose my point is this – even when it’s hard, even when you have to paste a grin on to hide your frustration, even when you don’t agree, you always need to  be there for your kids and to show them your unconditional love. Hug them. Let them know that even if things aren't okay now, they will be. And you'll be there for them.

I know it’s not easy. I’m sure my own resolve will be tested over the years. I know we all have deeply held beliefs and feelings that impact our parenting. I know we shouldn’t blindly approve of everything our kids do. I know we should be honest with them and let them know about our concerns because we love them.

But what we must never do – never – is make our kids feel that they are somehow diminished in our eyes. Or make them feel as though we love them in spite of whom they are and what they do, rather than because of it.

For all the hurdles my parents and I have been through to come to the relatively peaceful place we are now, so many kids aren’t so lucky. I began to think about this when I read Cyndi Lauper’s column on Huffington Post’s “Gay Voices” blog. It’s moving and it’s a must-read. Please check it out here.

I know none of us want our kids to feel so alienated and alone that they run away from us, nor do we want to send them messages of rejection.  It breaks my heart to realize how many kids who come out to their parents meet with anger, despair, rejection, homelessness, and so much more. 

How do you go from holding that precious little baby in your arms to saying “Good riddance!” and kicking them out?

Yes, that's me....waaaaaay back when.

It baffles me. My parents didn't do that. I cannot do that. I will never do that.

I wrote a bit about my own journey because it’s the easiest and most honest way I know to discuss how our parenting impacts our kids and how vital our unconditional love is for them. But this truth applies to many other things, not just sexuality.

Someday, your children will confront you with something difficult. Maybe it will be about some innate truth like revealing their sexual orientation or gender identity. Maybe it will concern bad decisions they made, like committing a crime. Maybe it will deal with illness, such as drug addiction. Maybe they will marry someone you don’t like very much, or decide to live abroad, or have children outside of marriage, or develop a career or interests that are the polar opposite of your strongly held beliefs and values.

It could be more than one “something difficult.” Who knows.

But, whatever it is, remember that your child is probably afraid of what your reaction is going to be. It doesn’t have to be great. You don’t have to like what you’re hearing. But it does have to reassure them that you love them, always, no matter what.

For better or worse, you and your child are bound together, always. Don't forget that. Don’t let them forget that either.

Love you always, Annapie.