Spoiled Rotten?

We’ve all heard this expression.  I know those adjectives were used to describe me – accurately, I suppose – on more than one occasion when I was a child.

Mini-me, circa 1980.

I recently read an article about so-called “spoiled” children.  It really got under my skin because it wasn’t about kids who have fifteen different Barbie dolls or mountains of toys. It was about kids…. whose parents console them when they cry and pay attention to them when they seek it.

That’s what it means to be spoiled?  I think not.

I wish I could find the article but I lost the link.  But I suppose it doesn’t matter because my discussion of the subject will be the same anyway. So here goes.

I guess I understand where people are coming from when they say that coddling a child too much leads to a sense of entitlement. But for me, this would be something like always buying them candy at the store after you’ve already said no, just because they pitched a fit and you didn’t feel like dealing with it.  I admit I’ve done that on a couple of occasions, but I don’t make a habit of it because I agree it’s bad. Kids need to learn that their parents will stick to the limits they set.

However, it’s a whole different ballgame to fail to acknowledge your child’s feelings to teach them how to “toughen up” because “that’s life.”  I’m sorry, but there have got to be better ways to prepare your kid for the difficulties and disappointments of the “real world” besides ignoring them when they’re upset about something.

A big reason that Anna and I have the bond we do is that I was often the first to respond to her when she would cry. I made sure I was always there to comfort her. I didn’t make her wait for whatever she needed, which is what this article implied people should do to prevent their kids from becoming “spoiled.”

Really, is there even such a thing as being “too responsive” to our kids??

Love!!! May 2010.

Our kids need to know they can trust us and depend on us. That trust is built early, through consistent nurturing. Not only does this affect their sense of security and self-esteem, but it can also affect our relationships with them later.

If they learn not to trust us, that we won’t be there when they need us, we can expect our relationships with them to evolve accordingly. I would hate for that to happen.

One thing about our routine with Anna that’s sort of a combined blessing and curse is that she has trouble falling asleep without me, and I usually have to lie with her until she’s asleep for her to go to sleep. I have had plenty of well-meaning parent friends tell me I should stop this so I can enjoy more of my evening. I have had many of those people tell me that they tried the “cry it out” method and their kids learned early to soothe themselves to sleep.

I get that. Those are very valid points, and I’ve admitted as much. I sometimes wish I had more evening to enjoy.  I sometimes wish Anna could soothe herself to sleep.

But I just can’t bring myself to let her cry and not respond. I’ve tried the “coming back to check on you” routine before and it just doesn’t work. She gets too distraught at the idea that I’m not there. This arrangement was borne of our unusual living circumstances when she was very young, and she had to sleep in our bed for awhile. And once that starts, it’s hard to stop. 

I realize this has its drawbacks and it can’t continue forever. But I want the change to occur when she can understand it better than she can now.  

This is the routine she depends on and thrives on. Honestly, for all its drawbacks, our routine has a lot of pluses too. One is the incredibly close bond I have with her. Another is her very affectionate demeanor. I really think that our nurturing her in many ways, including by not leaving her alone with her fears at night, combined with her own innate traits, has made her into a loving, caring little person. 

She's the kind of kid who hugs and comforts classmates when they feel sad, and who hugs her teachers goodbye when she leaves for the day. She's sweet and loving. And I’m really proud of her for that.

I know this isn’t for everyone. I know there is no one right way to respond to your child’s needs, and I respect that there are plenty of valid methods out there. I’m not just talking about bedtime now. 

I’m not saying you should give in to melodrama and treat a small bruise like it’s a life-threatening, ER trip kind of injury. I get that if we don’t make a big deal of some things, they won’t either. But I do think kissing that boo-boo and comforting your child is important.

Comforting your crying child and responding to his or her needs in whatever way is appropriate for the situation does NOT constitute spoiling him or her. That is ridiculous. ……But heck, if that’s what spoiled is, then yeah, our kid is spoiled. And I’m proud of it.