Control Freak

Control.  It’s a powerful word.  We try to have self-control.  We wish we had control of certain situations so we wouldn’t feel vulnerable.  We can’t control the future so we feel a little helpless sometimes.  Efforts to control other people are often futile, for good reason.

So why are we surprised that our kids care so much about control?

I don’t know about your kids, but mine has a driving need to try and control even the littlest details of her daily life.  We tend to have bigger meltdowns over control issues than boo-boos.  This astonishes me sometimes. 

The question that arises is:  How do we pick our battles so that control issues don’t spiral – pardon the pun – out of control?

Here are some examples of things Anna insists on doing, or else there’s a battle:  walking in front of everyone (“I’m the line leader!!!”), opening her car door, fastening her own car seat belt buckles, and choosing where we sit around the table for dinner. Those are just a few.

Of course, it’s good to encourage independence in kids.  Even though it takes twice as long for Anna to buckle herself into her car seat than it would if I did it, it’s good that she wants to do it for herself.  I’m fine with that.

But, freaking out over my opening the car door for her (sometimes I forget and my old Southern ways kick in) is another matter entirely. Unfortunately, I find myself giving in more than I’d like to, just so I don’t have to listen to 10 minutes of fussing about it.  Sometimes this means re-closing the door just so she can be the one to open it.

Ridiculous, isn’t it?

I tell myself I’m picking my battles, but really, I often want the easy way out.  What I wonder is, am I setting myself up for her to become an even bigger diva as she gets older?  I hope not.

My gut tells me I should just do things naturally and let her freak if things don’t go exactly according to her plans.  After all, this will prepare her for the rest of her life.  Really, does anything ever go exactly according to plan??

But this instinct clashes with my urge to avoid unpleasantness in the moment.  If only I could find a middle ground….

What I’ve started doing is trying to impart the message that some things “don’t matter”  - that as long as the door gets opened, for instance, it doesn’t matter who does it. Simple enough, right?

Wrong.  Not only does she still care about these things, but she has adapted the “doesn’t matter” theory to other conflicts. When she hears people talking with loud voices, she thinks they’re arguing and tries to stop it by yelling, “It don’t matter, guys!” even if everything is fine.

I can’t help but chuckle.  She’s obviously smart enough to make the association that this is something you can say to someone when they’re upset…..she just doesn’t think it applies to the events she wants to manipulate.  Smart little bugger!

So until I decide to put up with the temper tantrums, or a flash of inspiration strikes, I guess Anna will continue to not understand that Emmett doesn’t know what a line leader is. She pushes the poor dog out of the way just so she can make it into the yard first, even though she doesn’t pee there.

This is the way of the toddler world….for now.  Any ideas, parents?