Continuing with our series about the ten most important “parental competencies” we need to have, today I’ll be discussing relationship skills, which follows love and stress management on the list.
At first glance, this seems like a no-brainer: if the parental couple is generally happy, the children will be happier too. But what does it mean to be “happy”? That kids should see a lot of affection between their parents? That they should be kept up to date on what’s going on with their parents? That spouses shouldn’t fight in front of the kids?
Let’s take them one at a time. The easy one is affection. Of course it’s healthy for kids to see (appropriate) affection between their parents. They need to know not only that they are loved, but that their parents love each other. It’s also good for children to see that love expressed so that they learn that it’s nice to show affection to those that they love.
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| Anna, Mama T and Mommy Heidi |
It probably goes without saying that parents must exercise discretion here and not be TOO affectionate – kids don’t need to see what should stay behind closed doors. But, I’m saying it anyway because I know some kids who have learned too much too early and that is never a good thing.
The next issue here is the level of involvement or information the children should have when it comes to issues the couple is having. One of the most common mistakes in this area is that some parents carry on adult conversations in front of the kids. Your kids don’t want to worry about whether everything is going to be okay, so don’t talk about money problems and paying bills in front of them.
When I was really young, I asked my Grandma what taxes were because I heard my parents talking about them late one night. This isn’t egregious or anything, but really, let’s let the poor kids wait until they can contemplate working and having to pay them before we go there! It’s a mild example, but the point is the same – your kids are always listening, even when you think they’re not. I enjoyed sneaking out of my room when I was supposed to be asleep and hearing what I could hear, even if it was boring money stuff. (Sorry, Mom and Dad!)
I’ve already encountered this with Anna. As I mentioned in “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” she already knows we work to get money to buy things, and that if you swipe a card in a machine, you can get stuff. Not that it’s bad to know that you have to work for what you have, of course, but I didn’t expect her to learn about credit cards before the age of 3. I didn’t tell her, though; all she had to do was watch us. To some extent, kids’ powers of observation are going to trump our efforts in this regard, but we can at least avoid adding to their worries by talking about sensitive stuff.
Money is a major problem area for a lot of couples, but there are others too. Sex, family drama, and things of that nature are NOT topics for little ears, so save it for when you know they’re asleep.
On a related note, I’ve also seen some children become too involved in family decisions. Some things should be up to the parents, period. It’s fine to ask for the kids’ input when they are old enough, if it is appropriate, but sometimes kids try to involve themselves too much in a couple’s decision-making. They will have to do enough of that when they’re grownups themselves, and even when they complain, most kids like to know what the deal is. Sometimes being involved in choices puts too much pressure on children.
Finally, we come to conflict. This is an important one. A lot of parents fight in front of their kids. A similarly large group does whatever it takes not to expose their kids to conflict. Which is the best approach?
Obviously children develop habits and behaviors from watching their parents. Given this, I think it’s key to find a middle ground. Of course our kids shouldn’t see us screaming at each other. And, ideally, we shouldn’t be screaming at each other anyway. Nothing gets resolved that way, and we almost always feel horrible about it later.
But I digress. If a problem between parents is a huge one that is likely to cause a blow-up, or is relationship-threatening, it absolutely should not be discussed in front of or anywhere near the kids. They shouldn’t have to worry about whether their parents are breaking up, nor should they see this as a model for how couples handle conflict.
However, it’s not as black and white as that. If we’re TOO perfect, and we never fight at all, that doesn’t provide a realistic picture of what adult relationships are like. It’s also not healthy because somehow, someday, all of that pent-up emotion is bound to come out, and not in a good way.
Besides this, it’s important for our children to know that relationships take work and sometimes they aren’t easy. It’s also good for them to see that conflicts usually do get resolved, and that you can still love someone with all your heart…. even if you don’t like them very much right then! You know we’ve all been there.
This is a transferable lesson, as I’ve recently learned. When Anna has been especially naughty and I have gotten angry, it’s provided me an opportunity to sit down with her later and remind her that even though I might have been justified in my anger at what she did, I still love her so very much. And, if I overreacted, I have not hesitated to apologize for getting angry. I want her to know that nothing she could ever do would make me stop loving her, and that the same is true of my feelings for Mommy Heidi.
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| Mommy Heidi and Mama T |
I’d love some feedback on this one, especially when it comes to how to handle conflict with the one you love when you have kids. What has or hasn’t worked for you? Do you have any insight on how to underscore for our kids that conflict is a part of relationships, but doesn’t have to overwhelm them? I look forward to your comments.
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