Parenting Skills List Wrap-Up

Before we say goodbye to the parental skill series, I wanted to wrap it up with one more discussion and also post the results* of our poll about this article.

37% of people who responded said they agreed with the list as-is.
25% said they agree with all 10 items but would order them differently.
37% said they did not agree with all 10 and would add something else.

* Totals do not add to 100% due to rounding.

If you didn’t respond but would like to, please give us your opinion in the comments.

We looked pretty thoroughly at all the traits and competency areas that supposedly indicate we’re good parents, and will make our relationships with our kids better and make them happier as a result. But I thought it would be useful to take a moment and see what it all boils down to: in other words, what do we take from this and what can we do to embody these skills?

• Be attentive. I think this is number 1. We talked about this in a few of the posts, but it doesn’t do any good to be physically present with your kids if you’re not mentally present and engaged. It also helps you accomplish some of the other goals – to be loving, to relax, to promote learning, etc. Let them know that, for whatever the time is that you have together, nothing is as important as being with them.

• Be FUN. For uptight people like me, children are great because they force you to lighten up. You can’t stress about the little things because there are always bigger things to stress about. Besides, nothing is as important as whatever your baby needs in the moment. Anyway, I’m sure we could all use a lesson in taking ourselves less seriously and our kids will gladly provide it. So, sing songs and dance with them. Draw silly pictures in the driveway or make TV characters out of Play-Doh. Let them take you into whatever pretend world they want to be in for the moment and enjoy it. See life through their eyes. I guarantee you’ll love it. Let them see you having a good time with your partner too – let the whole family in on the fun!

Fun on a Saturday night, July 2011

• But not too fun. There’s always a “but,” isn’t there? I sometimes find the line between parent and “buddy” is a difficult thing to find. Anna likes to call me her “buddy” and I’m glad she loves to have me as a play mate….but she also needs to respect me as a parent and listen to what I say (as much as any toddler is going to listen, anyway). I have to make sure I can exhibit my silly, fun side and also retain my position as the parent in charge. That’s a work in progress! 

• Be vigilant. You can’t be too careful when it comes to your kids. And that’s not just about physical safety, it’s also about emotional safety and development. Make sure you’re in touch with their feelings. Encourage them to talk to you if something doesn’t seem right. Supervise them appropriately. To the extent possible, make sure they don’t see or learn about things that should wait until they’re older. And, of course, know where they are and who they’re with. On the surface they may make you feel that this is annoying, but deep down, I bet they’ll be grateful you care so much.

• Be prepared. With kids, you have to be ready for anything. Show them that you can go with the flow so they will feel safe depending on you – and you’ll prove it to yourself too. Improvise. Being wedded to any one plan is difficult when unforeseen variables can change it at any moment!

• Be a caretaker. Kiss boo-boos. Stay up to hold them when they’re sick, no matter how exhausted you are. Hug them whether they’re happy or sad; ask them how they are even if nothing seems wrong. Let them know they can always come to you about anything, and that nothing they could say or do could make you love them any less. Struggle to maintain a calm façade even if it kills you when they’re telling you something bad. (Now that I think of it, I think establishing trust should’ve been in the Top 10 too. If your child can trust you, you’re less likely to be blindsided by trouble later on, and you’ll have a closer relationship. But I digress.) Be available, no matter what. 

• Be their #1 fan! Let your kids feel that they are free to be who they want to be, and that you love them just the way they are. Support them whether they want a perm or a dye job or a piercing, whether they want to pursue football or ballet, whether they’re the class clown or the sweet introvert. Make sure they know they’ve got your unconditional love, that you’re proud of them, and that you’re in their corner, always. Believe in them and they will believe in themselves. 

I’m sure there are many others, so feel free to point them out in the comments. But as long as you’re doing most of the things on this list, you’re a pretty darn “competent” parent in my book!