In any event, according to the article we introduced on Monday, the second most important ability that we need to have as parents is effective stress management. By this, the researchers mean that we should take care to properly manage our child’s stress and our own, relax and keep a positive outlook. Easy, right? Sure.
This skill is second only to having a loving, affectionate relationship with your child, and for good reason. Stress kills. It causes health problems, relationship problems, and general dissatisfaction with life. And we all experience it. So, how do we cope?
Obviously, there’s no simple answer to this question. Different people require different types of stress relief and with varying frequency. Some turn to exercise or sports. Others enjoy regular social time with friends, such as reading groups or happy hours, to help them relax.
Some people extend happy hour a little too far and rely on alcohol and/or drugs to decompress after a tough day. Still others of us are just little rays of sunshine, bottling our stress up and unleashing it on unsuspecting passersby or, worse yet, on our loved ones. Lucky them!
I suspect a lot of people use several of these different “coping mechanisms,” healthy or unhealthy, to handle the pressures of daily life. My greatest stress relief pre-child came from exercise. I ran and took regular yoga classes. My excuse for largely abandoning these healthy practices is – you guessed it! – having a child. Ironically, parenthood, wonderful as it is, is also a significant stressor, producing additional need for the coping mechanisms I abandoned due to having a child.
It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?
Between my job as a lawyer, my role as a parent, and my responsibilities as housekeeper/cook/domestic goddess, it’s fair to say I have stress in my life. Okay, a LOT of stress. Since Anna came along, I have generally handled the balancing act pretty well. However, I admit to taking my stress out on Heidi sometimes, and I’m grateful she’s put up with me for so long!
Otherwise, I have tried to shove feelings of stress aside so I can meet my responsibilities, which probably isn’t smart. Bottling it up this way makes for unpleasantness when it does come out….and it always comes out, sometimes when I least expect it. That’s why reading this article really caused me to step back and take a good look at how I’ve been doing things. I realized that I need to make some changes, not just for myself and my loved ones, but for the most important person of all – Anna.
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| Cuddle Time, Summer 2009 |
One thing I am going to start doing is making time at the end of the night for stretching and breathing exercises to help calm me down and get rid of thoughts about the pressures of the day so that I can sleep better than I do. When I am in the middle of a stressful moment with Anna, I am also going to start giving myself “timeouts” so that I remain calm even when it’s hard. Sometimes just taking a quick break and breathing before reacting helps a lot.
Other than these ideas (and the universal, common sense ones: exercise, sleep, etc.), it’s hard for me to suggest what techniques for stress relief are best, given that our situations and reactions are all unique. But, we can discuss the really important question that arises when we think about our stress levels: Why is managing our stress so important to our kids?
Children are like sponges. They soak up everything they see and hear. Needless to say, the language in our household has significantly improved since Anna came along! The fact that she notices everything has been a wonderful incentive for changing some things I didn’t like about myself.
But, I haven’t really changed anything in terms of managing my stress level. That’s a problem because, as I am discovering in the midst of the “terrible twos,” it only gets harder. As Anna goes through the things every almost three-year-old does, her behavior changes. She rebels and acts out more.
Consequently, my behavior is slowly changing too. My fuse is a bit shorter now that she has developed such a talent for pressing my buttons!
Since parenting is getting a bit more challenging, my stress level has increased a little and my patience has correspondingly decreased a little. For so long, I have only rarely needed “me time” to recharge and, in fact, I prefer spending time with Anna to doing just about anything else. But now that our time together isn’t quite as relaxing, and increasingly involves power struggles and timeouts, I am starting to feel more of a need for time to unwind.
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| Anna playing in Emmett's cage, and NO! she doesn't have timeouts there! ;) |
I can see why stress management is one of the most important things we need to focus on as parents. For one thing, when stress overwhelms us and turns into anger, we risk taking that out on our kids. If I’ve had a hard day, I might react more negatively to misbehavior than I otherwise would. If Anna raises her voice, and then I raise mine, she will respond accordingly and the situation will needlessly escalate. Conversely, remaining as calm as possible even when I’m freaking out on the inside helps diffuse the situation faster.
Why can’t I always remember that in the moment? That is Goal # 1 for me now.
Even more importantly, aside from diffusing tension, the way we manage our stress will probably be the way our kids do. They don’t just observe everything – they internalize it too. Without realizing it, we are teaching them how to cope, or not, with stress. While being afraid at night and learning to use the potty and trying to get along with kids at school may not seem stressful to us, things like that may be major stressors for our kids.
So, it’s even more important to model for them healthy ways to deal with difficult things, whatever those may be. When things get stressful at home, try to picture your child taking some deep breaths and calmly talking to you. Then picture her screaming at the top of her lungs. Which reaction would you prefer? Me too.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. I’m the first to admit that. By exploring this with you, I am most definitely reminding myself how important it is to find ways to manage my own stress. Right now I’m picturing the starfish in Finding Nemo
, who repeats “Find a happy place, find a happy place!” when the annoying little girl is banging on the fish tank. Let’s try to find our happy places, and I’m sure we’ll get positive results. |
| "Peach the Starfish" Photo Credit: Disney/Pixar |
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