Listening Goes Both Ways

Yesterday, I talked about the power of words and how important it is to be careful with our words in terms of relating to our children.

Today, however, I want to talk about the importance of our children’s words. Just as we need to be careful what we say – and how we say it – we also need to listen to their words, even if it means reading between the lines.

I'm listening!  May 2010

I first thought about this a few days ago when Anna and I were out and about. (Yes, I should’ve been resting my ankle, but that’s beside the point.) I should note that Anna and I are often busy in our spare time. On my Fridays “off” from work, for example, Anna is also home from day care. Our Fridays are fun, but they also tend to be filled with errands like grocery shopping, doctor’s appointments, trips to see the “car guy,” family visits, you name it. We do whatever we can’t normally take care of while I’m working and she’s in school.

I usually try to make this more fun for Anna by going somewhere like a consignment shop and letting her pick something out…which is how we ended up with those fabulous furry foot slippers. She is totally my shopping buddy, and we have a blast together.  She likes to go everywhere I go. 

Sometimes we can fit in something really fun, like a park outing or a trip to the mall to ride the carousel and share some teriyaki chicken and rice. That’s one of our new favorite outings together for “me and you time,” as Anna calls it.

First carousel experience, March 2011

But recently, when I suggested going out to do something, she seemed grumpy about it.  She pointed out that “Dragon Tales” wasn’t over, to which I replied that we could pick up where we left off when we returned home. That wasn’t working for her.  

After a few more tries with random incentives, all of which were met with reluctance, she told me, “I just want to stay home with you and play with my toys together.”

Now, that’s one thing Anna rarely says. She loves her toys, of course, but she’s almost always game for an outing.  But, when I can honor her feelings, I do. After all, there was nothing that pressing that we had to do. So we stayed home and had a relaxing afternoon. And it was a nice change of pace.

This made me realize that perhaps it wasn’t the fun outings, like shopping or playing at the park, that were the real draw for Anna. Maybe it was just being with me.  Maybe she just wanted that quality time, and it didn’t matter what we were doing or whether I tried to make it “extra” fun with some kind of incentive for her or not.

That seems obvious now that I’m analyzing it in this post, but it hasn’t always been. It does make sense, though. And I have to say that I really like it.

Fun in the sun, June 2010

In our instant gratification world, we are so focused on what we get that we tend to assume that incentives are required for everything. As in, “If you make your bed, I’ll give you a treat.”  Maybe we should just make our beds. That’s sort of a silly example, but you get where I’m going.

Anna and I always have fun together, so by now, I really should know that there doesn’t always have to be a treat or a surprise involved to get her to tag along peacefully. Likewise, sometimes we don’t need to do something that costs money or involves external fun.  Sometimes we just need to hang out together.

This was the case this weekend too….we had a very busy Friday and on Saturday, we were both worn out. I told Anna that, since we often have some obligation or errand on our agenda, she could choose whatever she wanted to do on Saturday, when, miraculously, we didn't have any commitments. When I asked what that was, she replied that she just wanted to snuggle on the couch and watch TV together. We did. It was a nice, lazy, lovely day.

After I wrote “The Power of Words,” I wanted to reflect on the power of our children’s words too. In the aforementioned examples, Anna was pretty direct with me about her wishes. But I also know her well enough to know when something else is going on behind her actions or behavioral hints. And I try hard to figure out what that is and how I can show that I understand and respect it.

So, it’s not only important to listen to our kids and acknowledge their feelings, but it’s also important to read between the lines when we can. We need to help them get those thoughts and feelings out if they’re having a hard time with that. Open communication is important to kids and adults alike, and it’s helpful to teach them that now. 

Whether the result is favorable to them or not, it’s good for them to know they can always talk to us.  If we show them early on that we will listen and support them, and acknowledge their feelings whether we can act on them or not, they’re more likely to be open with us in the future because they’ll know we care.

I’ve had a good deal of success lately with diffusing potential tantrums just by asking Anna what she is trying to say.  As soon as she starts to whine or fuss about something, I remind her to stop and use her words, and I ask what it is that she’s trying to tell me. Then she usually takes a deep breath and says it.  

This is great because there are times when even the things that seem inconsequential, like what song is on the radio, can cause fits of yelling and crying if they’re not addressed. But by stopping to have a real conversation about it, we often evade the meltdowns. And Anna is learning that she is more likely to get what she wants if she tells me plainly and nicely what that is rather than crying or complaining about it. Of course, this system isn’t perfect, but I have noticed a difference already.

Happy girl, Oct. 2011

So I suppose this is my reminder to myself, and to you, to listen to our kids just as we expect them to listen to us. They are little people too, and their feelings matter. You may be surprised how positive just showing that you hear them and that you care can be.