Losing My Religion

Well, we’re finally here: the stickiest subject (for me, anyway) of the ten parental competency areas. Researchers list religious involvement or upbringing as No. 9 on the Top 10 list.

This is a tough subject for me because I often feel caught between my own beliefs and the warped version of them that is sometimes found in what we refer to as “organized religion.”

I should note that I was raised a Baptist. I attended a Baptist school from kindergarten through fifth grade. I attended church from a young age (maybe 6?) until I was 20, and was very involved in choir and Sunday school and youth group.

Overall, this involvement was a positive thing for me. I developed wonderful friendships and found my religious beliefs to be a source of comfort for me, at least most of the time. However, coming to grips with being gay ultimately caused me to leave the church, initially because I didn’t think my innate sexual orientation could be reconciled with my religious beliefs and I felt out of place.

I don’t feel that way anymore, but have continued to shy away from regular attendance at any specific church because of my distaste for organized religion – primarily, that it seems more exclusive than inclusive, which is not the way Jesus lived his life. I also firmly believe there’s a separation of church and state for some darn good reasons.

Not all churches espouse narrow-minded or downright un-Christian views. I really do get that. I know that the version of the “Religious Right” we encounter in the media is somewhat outside of the mainstream and isn’t representative of all religious people. I grew up in the church with many kind-hearted, genuine Christian people who are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I just wish more people were like them.

Unfortunately, sometimes, I think the messenger harms or warps the message so much that I don’t want to listen to the message anymore. I am also wary of the kind of indoctrination that leads some people to blindly “adopt” beliefs they may not even comprehend, just because others are doing it. I think that can be very harmful, and as a parent, I want to shield Anna from the negative aspects of organized religion and its unique brand of coercion to adhere to a designated set of beliefs.

So, there’s some context for the discussion here. I don’t want my personal beliefs to overtake the larger issue, though, which is this: Is religion necessary to the development of a happy child and a positive parent-child relationship, which is the focus of our Top 10 list? Should your parenting include religious instruction?

I’m going to say no, it’s not a must.

I'm not saying it can’t be beneficial; in many respects, it was for me. What I am saying is that I don’t think religious education or involvement – whatever the religion happens to be – is absolutely vital to raising one’s child to be a good, moral person with good values and a good heart.

Happy Girl, June 2011

Although religion can help children develop their own moral compass, some of that is innate, and the rest may be taught by word or example without going to church every Sunday. What’s more important, sitting through a service, or going out and engaging in service that helps others?  I know many religious people “walk the walk,” and that a sense of community with fellow believers is nice, but some people merely sit in a pew once a week and go out and live their lives in a manner that is completely contradictory to the beliefs they profess.

Another big concern I have is that, while I want Anna to know about God, I don’t want her to shape her own views according to mine because they’re mine and it sounds good enough…if she comes to believe as I do, I want her to do so because that’s what her mind and heart genuinely are telling her. I'm speaking from experience here.

When I initially embraced Christianity, I did so because my parents did and because the adults I loved and respected in the church did too. When I used to espouse conservative political views, it was because my parents held those views and I respected their opinions. I didn’t engage in any critical thinking of my own until I was older.

I eventually did become a Christian because it was what I believed, but that took awhile. And I ultimately abandoned my right-wing views and became one of those damn liberals as a result of, for once, stepping back and examining my views and asking why I thought the way I did. When I actually and honestly analyzed things on my own, I reached different conclusions about a lot of things. After all, God gave humans the ability to reason – so we probably ought to use it, huh?

And that’s the way it should be. If Anna becomes a rabid conservative, ultra-religious person, well, I’ll just have to deal with that. But it would certainly not be because my views influenced her! Come on, you can laugh, I’m trying to inject some humor here.

Anyway, I think it’s natural for us all to hope that our children learn from us, and that we teach them good values, and that they become like us in those respects. I do too. It’s just that I want it to be because Anna liked the way we raised her and used her God-given intelligence to arrive at her own conclusions, not because she blindly followed our lead.

I want her to know that there is value in all kinds of religions and spiritual philosophies, and that there are a number of similarities between, for example, Buddhism and Christianity. Those connections are fascinating and I want Anna to know about them. I am definitely going to share my beliefs with her, as I’m sure Heidi will, but also explain that it’s just what I feel and that I encourage her to learn more. More than anything, I want her to be exposed to the broad spectrum of thought on the subject and decide what fits for her, based on both her mind and what’s in her heart. And I will support whatever that turns out to be.

Jesus and Buddha, from Jenetic202's Photobucket

Heidi and I actually have been toying with the idea of bringing Anna to church because there is something to be said for the sense of community, and because we both recognize the benefits church can offer. However, it would need to be a Unitarian or other non-denominational/ miscellaneous protestant church with diverse perspectives and traditions in the worship experience because I think that creates a richer experience.

I have a friend whose Methodist church actually offered a course to the youth on comparative religion and had the kids visit synagogues, mosques, other churches, etc. to see what others believe. I think that is really cool. You can bet the kids who became Christians after that experience had their hearts and minds in the right place. What a stark contrast to the kids who grew up reading those tracts with pictures of stick figures burning in flames, and were frightened into “believing” just so they wouldn’t go to hell.

Is that genuine? You know the answer to that. By the way, I’m not making that up – I’ve seen those tracts. I was about 8 years old when I saw one for the first time, and it made quite an impression on me. I haven’t forgotten it. (Check out Haitian Wordless Gospel for an example.)

Example of a Tract, from, Haitian Wordless Gospel

Whether we decide to go to church or not, though, I know there is a lot we can teach Anna because both of us were raised with a strong set of values, and both of us remain very spiritual people who believe something greater than ourselves is out there.

Night Sky, July 4, 2011

Returning to our Top 10 list, obviously, I disagree with the inclusion of religion in the list (especially above keeping our kids safe). Go ahead, people: hit me with your best shot. What do YOU think?