Miss Independent

[Proving there’s a song for everything.]

In our continuing examination of our “parental competencies,” we come to number 4, which is “Autonomy and Independence.”  To succeed in this department, according to the article, “you treat your child with respect and encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.”



Anna is definitely “Miss Independent” in a number of ways.  She feeds and dresses herself, and she will not hesitate to tell me if she doesn’t like the outfit I’ve selected. (Again, karma.)  She must be the one to press the “play” button on the DVD player.  Anna insists on opening the house door, being the “line leader” until we get to the car, opening the car door, and buckling herself in her car seat.  She will not hesitate to let us know, forcefully and loudly, if we stepped in prematurely to do something she could’ve done, which she does NOT like.

As I discussed in “Control Freak,” some of this is irritating because it really shouldn’t matter who opens the door, for example.  Mostly, though, this is good. It shows that she is quickly learning how to do the basic tasks we all do to take care of ourselves.  It shows that she takes initiative and will keep trying until she succeeds.  Those are fabulous qualities.

Anna attempting to "drive" Mama T's car. (Spring 2011)

But – and there’s always a “but” – it’s not that simple.  While Anna is very independent when it comes to the activities I’ve just mentioned, she is decidedly not independent in some other ways.  Needing me there with her to fall asleep is one of those ways (“Alligator, Go Away!”).  She also tends to follow me everywhere, even to the bathroom, and sometimes becomes agitated if I leave the room.

This is one of the great things about day care.  It has helped her to realize that, even though we miss each other when I leave in the morning, I always come back for her. In fact, she enjoys herself so much at “school” that she’s not always as excited to see me at the end of the day as she used to be!  I sometimes get that look that says, “Mom, you’re interfering with my play time!!” Or sometimes she just says “no!!” right out loud and climbs on a swing, asking me for a push. I can’t help but laugh.

At home, though, it’s tougher.  If I run an errand without her, she is upset.  If I leave the room to, for instance, do laundry, she follows me down to the basement.  The majority of the time, I love having a little shadow.  But, it can make accomplishing things difficult, and while I love the bond we have, I don’t want her to be too upset when I go away for just a few minutes to do a simple task. I also don’t want her to think I don’t want to spend time with her, so I usually wait for her or let her come along.  I always “err” on the side of protecting her feelings.

So, how does this relate to my “parenting competency” in this area?  I suppose if I were scoring myself, it would be 50-50: half good for encouraging her self-reliance in terms of accomplishing tasks by herself, and half not-so-good for not pushing her to be ok with a little more independence even when I’m around.

How would you rate yourself in this area?

One other area of food for thought when it comes to our kids’ autonomy and independence to think about is how safety concerns impact our willingness to let our kids play independently.  This is something I’ll discuss more when we get to safety on our competency list, but I wanted to put it out there because, thinking back on my own childhood, I had a lot more freedom than I think kids do now. Were our parents were less afraid then?  Were we actually living in a safer world, or did it just not seem as scary because the media covered fewer high-profile missing or murdered child cases?

Please keep the interplay of preserving safety and cultivating independence in mind when we return to safety issues in the next few days.

Anna driving her car.  Fall 2010