I wonder this as I watch Anna engage with other people. She’s one of the most sensitive, joyful, loving people I have ever known. Not that she doesn’t have tantrums – believe me, she does!! – or get too rough with the dog or with us….nobody is gentle and sweet all the time. But I have watched other kids, and I see in her an unusual level of empathy and affection for a child so young.
Anna has always been a loving little girl, but the first time I really noticed her empathy was when she was reading First 100 Words
and came to the picture for crying – aptly, a crying baby. She kissed him to make him feel better. It was moving for us to watch this gesture, made before she even had the vocabulary to express what she was feeling. She started to do it every time she read the book. Then, I began to see it in her early pretend play with baby dolls and stuffed animals. |
| Anna gives her tired monkey a piggy back ride, May 2011 |
As Anna has grown, so has her compassion. Her teachers at day care have told me on several occasions that she is always kind to friends who are sad, and that she comforts the other kids when they get hurt or are crying. Last week, one of her teachers told me that a kid had kicked her leg and Anna said, “That wasn’t very nice!” and kissed her leg to make it better.
Hearing things like that just melts my heart.
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| Anna & friend Izzy B, April 2011 |
Whenever I complain about my back hurting (which unfortunately I do more frequently these days), she always says, “I can give you hug when we get home” because she really thinks hugs make it all better. When I’m sick, Anna is the first to cover me up with blankets and give me kisses. She shares her snuggly friends with me for comfort. I am always in awe when this happens – shouldn’t I be the one taking care of her?
Anna has always been in loving environments and has been primarily around women. Does this explain her nurturing nature? Is it that she has been treated with such love and tenderness and she follows that example? Is it that she has the soul of a minister or a healer or a caregiver? I don’t know for sure, but it’s a fascinating question.
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| Anna in Big Bear's lap, March 2011 |
Deep down, I can’t help but think that some of this is innate. There is something about her presence that is at once utterly joyful and also calming. I can see her beautiful soul through her compassionate gestures. She has a way about her, an aura that must have been shaped by more than just her upbringing so far.
I began thinking about this when I was writing yesterday’s post about addiction issues and wondering to what extent they are inherited and to what extent they are a product of a person’s experiences. I suspect it is often a mix of both. Then I became curious about the nature vs. nurture debate when it comes to other qualities.
What do you think? What qualities do you see in your children that seem uniquely their own, that seem more innate than learned?
Both of my kids (1 boy, 1 girl), but more so in my daughter, show great empathy for people who are hurt or sad and do their best to cheer them up and make it better. I love that about them! I even see it when they watch movies. If something bad happens to a character, I can see the sadness on their own faces and tears welling up in their eyes as they empathize with what is going on virtually.
ReplyDeleteMy kids generally get along well together, but they have their moments, for sure! With that said, I love how they immediately come to each other's rescue if one is hurt, getting teased, or picked on in some way. They are both quick to stick up for each other.
Nature or nurture? I don't think it's an either / or. I agree with a "mix of both," nature *and* nurture.
I don't know the answer to this, but I saw something interesting the other day that I want to share about this subject.
ReplyDeleteI was watching Swift Justice with Nancy Grace (yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that) the other day. For those that aren't familiar, Nancy Grace (who also has a serious show on CNN) is a former undefeated prosecutor that now has a TV "judge show".
In this episode, the case was between two mothers who each had a 7 year old girl. One day on the playground, one girl pushed the other girl into the slide's ladder and the girl that was pushed broke one of her permanent teeth. Her mother was suing for the resulting root canal and likely future dental work.
During the testimony from both sides, during the altercation both girls were talking badly to each other, there was teasing involved, along with rock throwing, pushing, and the result of the tooth being broken.
Both of these girls behaved badly. But what was interesting is that Nancy had a forensic psychologist that had interviewed both children. The psychologist stated that at age seven, children do not have the ability to foresee the consequences of their actions. That though each of them should know what is good and bad behavior, (in my opinion this is something that is taught) the girl that pushed the other could not foresee the possible implications of her actions.
I understand there is a reason in the law that minors are treated differently than adults for this reason, but I'm not sure I buy into that completely.
I don't think the child that pushed the other may have planned that her push would break the other girl's tooth, but she certainly knew that pushing or hitting the other would hurt her.
Are we as humans just wild selfish animals that are trained to be nice and gentle, or are we instinctively out for only our best interest? I think somewhere in between. There is a reason for the expression "Good Guys Finish Last.."
Probably so. It's just fascinating to watch them grow and learn and to see what kind of little people they become. :) More than anything related to my career or any other kind of accomplishment, I want to be a good person and a good friend. I'm glad that Anna wants to be a good friend too!
ReplyDeleteI wish she had that sibling interaction and bonding that you mention, though - hers live in other places now so she doesn't see them very often. But I'm sure she'll develop her own little family of choice too!
It's hard to tell. I have always believed people, while we begin as blank slates, have an innate goodness, but then can turn bad when they endure bad experiences or when life events trigger some genetic propensity for evil or violence. I think we are always grappling with the more "wild" side of us that seeks gratification of desires or self-preservation at the expense of others, but we are taught how to tame those instincts to some extent. In the end, we have free will so we choose what side of ourselves to prioritize.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that even though a child may not know exactly what types of bad things may flow from an act, they do know that they are doing something bad and that something bad could happen. That's why they do it. Have you ever seen that guy who developed the "Scale of Evil"? There are so many possible points and then he ranks people like killers on the scale according to how bad/ what type their acts were, which are a reflection of what's going on inside. But I think even terrible people start out with some inner goodness before something goes awry.
I am struggling with this every day recently. I can't decide one way or the other. Part of me just wants to say it is both. That might be too easy though.
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