Ahhh “behavior management.” Our collective blood pressures probably rise a bit when thinking about all the things, major and minor, that our little ones like to do to test our limits… and the gleeful looks on their faces sometimes when they know they are pushing our buttons.
This ranks in at No. 7 on our list of important parental skill areas. So, today we discuss whether we depend on positive reinforcement and only punish our kids when everything else we’ve tried fails.
I confess that writing this post in the midst of the “terrible twos” may skew my perspective slightly. But I am working on stiffening my resolve a little when it comes to behavioral issues with Anna. When I was a kid, spankings were okay. Most of my friends were disciplined in the same way I was. Sometimes I’d be sent to my room, or yelled at, or told no more TV, but often, I got a spanking for being naughty. It was just standard punishment when milder methods weren’t effective.
Today, of course, many experts say spanking isn’t the way to go. According to some of them, it doesn’t teach the child anything, only makes them fear you, and may be taken too far by over-stressed parents. So we have decided against that approach. We have a firm no-spanking policy with Anna.
The flip side, though, is that I have been kind of a pushover sometimes for fear of being too “mean.” That needs to stop. Until recently, I had been pretty generous with warnings before we got to time outs, but that just leads to more limit-testing and more frustration on my part.
My limit needs downsizing!
Now, I give only one warning and then a time out in the corner for most things. For more egregious things, like physically hurting us or the dog or cat, it’s an immediate time out, or she gets sent straight to her room depending on how bad it is.
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| Adorable grump, 2009 |
But when my parents got wise to that, and the punishment started to be not using the phone, or being grounded, well…..then I started to care. A lot.
We already do this in our household to a small degree – no more TV if you do this again, no dessert if you don’t eat enough dinner, no going to the park if you’re going to be naughty at home. It’s slightly effective, although I don’t think her two-year-old brain can always make the association between behavior change and results. That will come with time.
I guess the summary of this is no, I don’t save punishment for when we’ve reached the very end of the line. After all, what does that even mean? Verbal correction has failed? Warnings have failed? What else should we try before we say, no you’re not getting away with this?
Putting aside consequences, though, I do agree with the article that positive reinforcement is key to making lasting behavior changes. This came up in the comments to the original post discussing this article. There, readers discussed the use of rewards, tangible or intangible, to encourage repeated good behavior.
I don’t see anything wrong with this. As one reader pointed out, “Teaching them that they get paid for a good job (by pay I mean praise, a treat, toy, or even in our case a high five or thumbs up) either at school home or in their personal lives can only lead to good, can't it? It also teaches them to work for what they want.”
Like most kids, Anna definitely responds to praise and rewards. I definitely try encouragement (or, I admit it, sometimes bribery) to get results before threats. But it’s a delicate balance. Staying positive is good, but you don’t want to give the message that they can get away with murder either.
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| Toothless grin, May 2009 |
What works for you when it comes to “behavior management”? Do you agree with its ranking at No. 7?
disciplining is the worst feeling ever! I feel llike such a failure and I feel so at odds about it, it seems to ruin the rest of the day. The Bible says you should hit your children.....and people have different ideas as to what level of obedient your children should be. Some people say that your children should obey you without question....others disagree and often end up with healthier more well behaved children! And sometimes they don't! I've ebeen back and forth...trying different things with Lauren. She turned into a devil child when her sister was born and I was really beside myself...but her Godfather my friend who is older showed me that she was only trying to get attention and we ignored her and she's back to being a sweet, yet immature, kid. I geta great response by explaining things to her...and like you said...keeping things positive, if we have to say something negative, we follow it by being upbeat mostly tp avoid more acting out! We have a similar policy of time out and room...but I try to remember that if she were mature, that she wouldn"t be making these mistakes...that time will correct her behavior, not me finally nailing it to her forehead! I know she wants to be good...because I have imparted empathy to her and I see she has a good frip on that...and I think our behavior comes from wanting others to be happy...so.I feel my discipline is a little bandaid until she matures.
ReplyDeleteThe band-aid analogy is a good one! You're right, there's only so much you can impart while they are so young and can't discipline themselves to a large extent. There will always be differences of opinion about how to discipline/ punish kids, and it's hard to find a one-size-fits-all solution. For me, whichever approach I take in the moment, I need to do what you and remind myself that this is just toddler stuff and it's a natural phase. Trying to cultivate more patience!
ReplyDeleteAs a parent of three very strong willed children, discipline is a difficult thing for me. I was raised with spankings and groundings, but it instilled a sense of fear of my parents in me. I never wanted my children to grow up fearing me.
ReplyDeleteNow that my oldest is 10 I see that I made some mistakes with disciplining, in that I didn't do any when she was young. I over compensated and she in turn never listened. This can be dangerous because above all else the reason we discipline our children is to keep them safe.
As a stressed out working mother of three, with a husband with multiple health issues, I find I am doing more yelling now than I ever wanted to. I try to control it, it is not always easy.
What I do find that works the best for my kids, but takes enormous amounts of patience is positive discipline. This is the form of discipline used at their school, and it is ultimately the most effective. Basically it takes the shame and fear out of discipline and teaches the child that they are capable of being in control of their actions. Like I said it takes a lot of patience, and skill, and it doesn't happen over night. My goal is to only use this method for next year, but I also need to get my husband on board, and he is very stubborn.
I have to say bedtimes are the worst. I sometimes want to cry from the sheer exhaustion and confusion over what to do to keep them in their beds and fall asleep. It truly feels like a battle of wills.
We do lots of "losing privileges here. I also try to impart consequences that are directly related to their actions.....if you do not come to dinner when I call you, then your food might be cold (reminding them that I am not going to reheat it makes them come running)......if you goof off at bedtime and do not settle down, then you will not have time for a story (or you will get less)....that kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteIf they are really having a rough day and everyone is fighting, then they go into their separate rooms for alone time (and I get some actual peace!).
Of course no one is perfect all the time and there is some yelling sometimes. I also am not opposed to the occasional pop on the bum, but it is not a frequent occurance.
I was thinking about the post by Brenda and I wanted to make 2 comments that I hope might possibly help
ReplyDeleteFirst....and most importantly, my Dad gave me some greaat parenting advive. He says that all children are different and what works for one will not work for another....he feels that being a parent means the willingness to try another thing if one thing fdoesn't work.
The other thought I had is why don't you try letting them stay up as long as they want to...and eventually they will see that sleep os something they want and need and not a sentence from Mama... that reminds me of a saying...never try to kill a bull by charging at him...take away the battle of wills and things might get easier.
This advice comes from a mother of 2 under 2, so it must be taken with a grain of salt for sure!!
It is hard enough work with Anna sometimes - I can't imagine having to juggle 3 kids and their needs. Just step back when you're frustrated and remember that you've got a lot on your plate and you're doing an amazing job. Nobody is perfect. Your kids seem smart, happy and healthy so that is a testament to the fact that you're doing a lot of things right! :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I fear I'm doing the same thing with Anna that you mentioned with your oldest- not enough discipline. I feel more like a pal than a parent sometimes. I don't want her to have that fear of me, but I do want her to respect me. It's a tough line. At least we are here to support each other!