“I cheated myself/ Like I knew I would/I told you I was trouble/ You know that I’m no good.” -- Amy Winehouse, “You Know I’m No Good”The recent passing of singer Amy Winehouse inspired me to write this post. Reading the coverage made me think of my earlier “Bad Kids” post, especially the lyrics I included here. Too many kids think that they’re no good, that they’re bad kids. And far too many of the kids who think that way turn to drugs and alcohol to ease their pain.
Addiction issues run in our family. Consequently, one of my greatest fears about Anna’s future, and that of some of the other kids I love, is that they may be more likely than the average person is to struggle with addiction when they grow older. But even kids who do not have any genetic predisposition to substance abuse or any environmental exposure wind up addicted, in trouble, and, sometimes, dead.
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| (AP Photo/Matt Dunham, File) |
I’m not sure whether it’s nature or nurture, or both, that leads people down this painful road. What I am sure about is that it often starts when they’re young, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break free of the shackles of addiction. Now, we don’t yet know with certainty what lead to Amy Winehouse's struggle with addiction, or what caused her death - for all I know it could have been something totally unrelated to drugs. But regardless, her very public, very heartbreaking struggle with substance abuse is something from which we can learn.
What I really want to know is: aside from tragic, cautionary tales like hers, how do we convince our kids not to set even one foot on this path?
I don’t have a magic answer to that. If I did, I’d be rich and already retired at 34, and a lot of people would be a lot healthier. Tragically, I don’t know. I’m no expert. All I know is that addiction can tear families apart, ruin futures, and take everything –even your life.
I’m not blogging because I have all the answers. I simply I felt like I should recognize the passing of an artist because we have lost so many talented artists to this disease. Their artistic legacy is frozen in time and the world will never enjoy new and inspiring material from them. That is unspeakably sad.
What’s even worse was that those gifted people were all once kids like ours, with hopes and dreams and talent and a bright future ahead of them. And, somewhere along the way, they lost sight of those goals and gifts as drugs and alcohol swallowed them whole. Why couldn’t they turn it around? Did people recognize the issue when it started, or when it was already too late?
Obviously it’s important to educate our kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Hopefully tragic stories about the struggles of addicts, whether they’re in the family or world-famous people, will resonate with them.
But it’s equally important to be vigilant – to know, as much as is humanly possible, where our kids are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing. Provide activities that give them something to look forward to, something to be proud of – sports, band, drama, etc. These things also take time and dedication, which helps too. Reduce the opportunity for substance abuse.
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| Rock star in the living room, 2010 |
Most of all, know your kids. Spend time with them. Pay attention when something doesn’t feel or seem right. Look for the signs of substance issues. And TALK to them. It’s better to bring it up and be wrong than not to and to confirm your fears when it’s too late. Our kids are the future - we need their gifts and talents, their contributions to the arts and sciences, whatever it is they have to give. Their presence in this world makes it better.
Remember those things if your child ever ends up with a substance abuse problem. Know that it is a disease, not just a series of bad decisions or a partying phase. I read a very honest, raw, moving piece about Amy Winehouse today, written by her friend Russell Brand, which also reminds us that “we need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care” and rehabilitation. It’s worth a read.
I don’t know the first thing about Amy Winehouse’s parents, or about how they coped with or addressed her disease. I just know that it’s tragic that she and the other people in the so-called “27 club” (Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and others) died so young, just as their stardom began, and couldn’t conquer their demons. And I know that we as a society are far quicker to judge than to help – and judging doesn’t help at all.
Brand makes an excellent point, and it really made me think about the “what ifs” every parent worries about at some point or another. If our kids ever struggle with this, we need to be there to support them, to understand that they are sick and that they need treatment rather than judgment or criticism. I bet it’s easier said than done, and I hope I don’t ever have to find out. But I do know that unconditional love and support is vital for our kids, no matter what they are going through. They need us. And the world needs them.
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| Our next Superstar? |
One thing....honest information about drug use would help. Probably experience with seeing the negative effects will help. Also, I think most importantly, limiting exposure helps. I think redirecting kids and making sure their lives are full and happy and that their emotional/social needs are being fulfilled, since it is definitely peer pressure that causes the original problem. However, even good parents can sometimes end up with a child with a terrible problem with drugs. Someone told me that they kept their teenager involved in many activities so they wouldn't get into trouble...and that seems to have worked very well! I was exposed to lots of drugs with my artsy type friends, what kept me from being an addict was a thorough appreciation and knowledge of the possibility of addiction and that I had things in my life that I was looking forward to beyond a world of drugs. But the fact that my parents were there to love me definitely helped keep my two feet on the ground!
ReplyDeleteI agree that peer pressure has a big role to play in childhood experimentation with drugs. Unfortunately, though, so do mental health issues, abuse, bad environment, etc. I have seen so many examples of environmental contributions to drug problems. For those reasons, I hope that raising Anna in a safe, loving, secure environment with lots of positive things to do with her time will mean she doesn't give in to any predisposition she may have for addiction. But it is scary that, as you point out, there are plenty of families who have raised kids in fabulous environments, and still the kids become drug addicts. It makes me wonder what internal factors lead to that.
ReplyDeleteWhat gives me hope, though, is that Kelsey has sort of had an experience like you, where she has known people her age who use drugs or drink but doesn't do it herself because she has seen firsthand in our family the heartache addiction brings. And she has ambitions for her future. She has no desire to even go there, and I am really proud of her for that. Hopefully Anna will be the same way!