What Makes a Parent?

Okay, today I’m going to do something a little unusual – I’m going to use my own blog to write about another blog.

The first parenting blog I ever read, before I started My Life With Pie, was Single Dad Laughing. I found it to be an amazing mix of humor, advice, and warmth, with a little justified ranting thrown in.  The really awesome thing about this site created by a single dad is that it’s only been in existence a little over a year, yet it has already attracted a huge number of followers and spawned a few books.

Yes, I can admit it…..I’m a little jealous.

But mostly, I’m just impressed at the voice that comes through in his posts, the connections that Single Dad Laughing (SDL) has made to his readers, and the influence his posts have had on people’s lives.  It’s really something to strive for if you’re an aspiring blogger like me.

And, at the risk of losing my beloved small but devoted audience, I encourage you all to check it out.

Seriously though, the great thing about blogs is that they each have their own distinctive voice and their own unique angle.  While I admire SDL, I am my own person and have my own voice. My experiences have been different, and they have shaped my perspective as a writer and a parent.  So, it is my own particular story I am sharing in the hopes of also connecting with others and discussing our universal experiences.

Tired at the beach, May 2010

Why am I writing about this, you ask?  Well, the other day, SDL re-published its first post that went viral, which was about adoption etiquette.  It’s called, “How much did YOUR kid cost?” I read it, and, being a non-biological parent myself, it really resonated with me.  

So, naturally, I wanted to tell you about this blog (though many of you may already read it) and to recommend this post to you.  You should read it, whether you’re an adoptive parent or not, and heck, even if you’re not a parent. I would write at length about the topic myself, but I don’t think I could say it better.

I will, however, share a few thoughts about the post. My first response when I read some of the things random strangers have said to SDL (hence the title of the post), was that I was appalled and I couldn’t believe it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that ignorance abounds and that I shouldn’t be surprised.

The main point to take away is this:  Just because a person has a child that doesn’t look exactly like them and may even be – gasp! – of a different racial or ethnic background does NOT mean that the parent is any less a parent. That child is his or her child, a real, living, breathing human being with feelings who doesn’t need to hear the idiotic things that come out of some people’s mouths.  That parent is the parent, period. 

Cheeese! with Mama Heidi, Jan. 2011

If you take care of a child, feed and clothe him, bathe him, tuck her in every night, read her stories, kiss her boo-boos, soothe her sadness, teach him the ABCs, hold him while he vomits all over you, or get up every time you hear a cry in the middle of the night, no matter how many times that might be, trust me, you have earned the title of parent.

I say that not only because it’s true, but because I had to learn to believe it myself, not having that innate bond of DNA. I never knew Anna would call me “Mommy” or “Mama T,” but she does. It took awhile for what feels very natural now to sink in. 

Thankfully, I’ve made it through these first 3 years unscathed by the ignorance of others. People admire Anna everywhere we go and nobody has asked prying questions or made rude comments.  Initially, when we would be out together and someone would say, “Oh, your daughter is so cute!” I would thank them, and then explain that, actually, she’s my niece but I take care of her, blah blah blah. Heidi did that too.

But one day I said to myself, you know what? You are one of her parents. Stop qualifying it. Any fool could see the love between us. Nobody needs to know our family’s complex background story. The important people already know and anybody else doesn’t matter. 

Big squeeze! Sept. 2010

Ever since, I have owned my parenthood. When someone says something nice about my Pie, I say thank you and smile and then shut up.

In any event, there are all sorts of things we non-bio parents have to think of, and I’m glad SDL shared his experiences on his blog because it prepares us for those possibilities…..and hopefully, it also gives everybody else out there some insight into what it’s like to be us. When it comes down to it, we’re just like everybody else and that’s the way we should be treated.

Smooch! Aug. 2011