The Process of Becoming

She looks at me with that teasing twinkle in her eye, which I know is a reflection of my own.  She dares me to “get” her as she halfheartedly begins to run, only to stop after a few steps so that I will catch her and tickle her.

I know her as well as I know myself, yet I also know she is evolving, growing, daily engaged in the process of becoming.

Self-portrait!

Anna’s 3^rd birthday is next week. I can’t believe it has been almost three years that we have loved and cared for this amazing little girl.  Three years of hearing beautiful laughter, soothing tears away, kissing boo-boos, holding her until she falls asleep.  

Sometimes it’s surreal to look at her and to see this little person staring back at me, complete with her own distinct personality. She isn’t a baby anymore. 

1st day of life!

I remember when she couldn’t talk and now her vocabulary is off the charts. She already knows how to try to turn on the charm to get what she wants – “Just five more minutes of the show, pleeeeease!!” – and her brief flashes of intense anger when she doesn’t get that five minutes match the intensity of her love when she’s forgiven you and says, “Hold me mom, hold me tight.”

Anna’s upcoming birthday has naturally put me in a reflective mood, especially when you consider that, three years ago, I was going about my daily routine with NO IDEA that this living, breathing little adventure was waiting for me in only one week’s time.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t quite recognize myself. I am a different person now.  But better, I think.  It seems that I, too, have been engaged in the process of becoming.

Like the Grinch, I think my heart grew three sizes the day Anna captured it.  There was no more room for self-absorption or irresponsibility.  I had to rise to a challenge I never thought was in the cards for me. But I chose it. I knew it was meant to be.

July 2009

Since then, I have pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do. I didn’t think I could function so well with a chronic lack of sleep.  I didn’t know I had the strength to take care of a child and actually be good at it, or to work an almost full-time job on top of that, or to take care of my home and family in other ways in addition to everything else.  

Even when I lament being so run-down and overwhelmed, I feel proud of myself for getting this far, for rising to the challenge. I may not always succeed, but I sure as hell try. 

I’m proud of all of us in our family for working together to raise this amazing little girl. We have all evolved in the last three years. I have given up some of my career ambitions because if I didn’t, I didn’t know how I would function. Heidi and I basically switched roles and now she is the trial attorney with the tough hours. That was the exact opposite of our post-school plan. But for now, it works.

Aug. 2009

We have rolled with the punches. And we can keep evolving as it becomes necessary.

I don’t know why it is only occurring to me after all this time that we are all engaged in this becoming together.  We have focused so much on Anna’s basic development – first solid food, first words, first crawling, first steps – that we haven’t realized how we too have grown and changed. 

We have sacrificed a lot, but also loosened up a lot. There are things I miss about those pre-child days, but the sheer joy I feel now is the best feeling in the whole world. I know that Anna knows she is the apple of our eyes. We hug her tight in an “Anna sandwich” and it’s pure bliss.

And now we are beyond those early milestones to a fascinating phase of her personality development. This more nuanced evolution is just so cool. Every day there is a new word or phrase or expression I didn’t know she knew, but it just randomly appears.  There are always new behaviors that amuse me or confound me or just plain crack me up.

June 2010

It was really evident yesterday when I was driving Anna home from school.  We have a playlist that we like to listen to and sing along with in the car … although I am forbidden to sing along with the ones that are her songs. When we pulled in the driveway, the song that was playing wasn’t quite over and Anna asked if we could stay in the car to finish it.

So we did. And we danced in our seats and laughed and sang. And when that was over she asked for another one. I complied. I watched her and I knew she was so much like me in that moment.  

It was one of those awesome things I would’ve loved to share with my late best friend, who used to be my in-car singing and dancing buddy. I wish he could see that that joy is living in me in a different way than before, and now it is living in her too.

Sept. 2011

This was a beautiful moment of realization that, although I haven’t passed anything to Anna through DNA, I can do that in other ways, just by being here, without even trying. 

Some of her behaviors are a reflection of me.  And many of mine are a reflection of her. We remain involved in the process of becoming, together.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us.