Running on Empty

"Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels...

Running on, running on empty,

Running on, running blind,

Running on, running into the sun

But I'm running behind."

--"Running on Empty", Jackson Browne

Anna has one of those drawing pads with the special pen where you draw a picture or write something and then you can slide a little bar across the bottom, erase it, and start over.

You too can own this doodle pad

That’s a good metaphor for my to-do list.  Just when I have that feeling of accomplishment, having finished a project or task, it seems to get wiped out and immediately replaced by something else. Sometimes, it’s nearly impossible to keep up with it.

My to-do list always seems like it’s a mile long. I’m sure many of you can relate. Sometimes I don’t even want to compose the list because it is disheartening looking at all that stuff. And sometimes, when I do, I admit that I include small things I’m just about to do, or have just done, just so I can cross them off the list and feel a little better about myself.

Sad, isn’t it?

Lately I’ve felt like I just can’t keep up, not only with my to-do list, but with life generally. I’m always running on empty. But I have to keep running, there’s no way around it, no escape, no vacation….just the crushing, rhythmic pace of every day.

Everywhere I look, there’s something to do….laundry to be folded and put away, dishes to be done, etc. I try to channel my inner Wonder Woman but right now, I don’t know where she is.

"In her satin tights, fighting for your rights...." LOL. (Photo: deadline.com)

It wasn’t always this way. I used to be a champion multitasker.  These days, I’m lucky if I can make it through even one task at a time.

Which makes me wonder:  Is it age? Parenthood?  Being a lawyer?  Being a “homemaker” with another job too? All of the above?

Maybe, as my mom would probably say, “that’s just life.”  Maybe this is just the way it is and there’s no need to question it, to figure out the why or how. It simply is, and I have to find a way to deal.

There are days when I feel on top of my game, when I have spurts of the energy of my 20s again and it’s awesome. I feel like I can do anything, like I can handle it all, like I’m daring the universe to throw things at me and see what I can do. Because I know I can do it.

It just goes to show, you shouldn’t taunt the universe like that.

Inevitably, see, that high wears off.  The fleeting sense of invincibility fades and I am left with the feeling that my car is running out of gas, that any minute it will sputter and grind to a halt in the middle of the road.

Where’s the middle ground?

I need something to recharge my batteries. I’m tired of sitting on the couch in the evening – if I even stay awake enough to make it out there after I put Anna to bed – and not being able to keep my eyes open when it’s finally my time to unwind.  

Zonked!

All too often, there is no relaxing. The power simply shuts off until the alarm sounds in the morning. And even when I do manage to remain awake, I’m surrounded by the evidence of all the work I don’t have the energy to do.

Ironically, nothing makes me feel as energized as spending time playing with Anna….which is also what saps a lot of my energy!  I can’t help but laugh at the thought.  If I had even half of that child’s boundless energy, I’d be all set.

Anyway, there’s no punch line for this post, no word of advice, no thought-provoking link or humorous story. Sorry. Maybe I should post another funny photo today to make it up to you!

I’m just putting my Monday thoughts out there into cyberspace, hoping someone can relate and tell me things won’t always feel so unmanageable.  Sometimes knowing we’re all in the same boat is what helps me keep rowing.